Our Proof of Eternal Life

(a picture of my little man when all the rest of the world sleeps.)


2 cor 4:16-18
So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new everyday. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory. That glory is much greater than the troubles. So we set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time. But what we cannot see will last forever.


5:6-8
So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see. So I say that we have courage. And we really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord.


It was chilly in our room this morning when I finished nursing Wells Jake.  
At 5:00 am my eyes were heavy when I wrapped him in a swaddle that would soothe him back to sleep.
I looked at his sweet 4 week old face and kissed him again before plopping back onto my pillow.
I've known him for only 4 weeks and the ferocious love I have for him is beyond my own capacity. This is a love that comes from God's deep well in me I thought.
While studying his face he snorted out a large yawn with his tiny mouth. I grabbed my heart and swooned over his perfectness. I am in love.
My mind drifted a moment to Jake again.
I remembered his form at this very age. He slept in my parents room in his bassinet at 4 weeks old. My room was close and I could hear when he woke up in the middle of the night. I rushed to his side whenever I was awakened by his sweet cry. I remember wanting to feed him and change his diaper any moment he was awake. I was utterly in love with my baby brother. As I stare in awe at this sweet newborn God gave me, my Wells Jake, I cannot imagine losing him at 17 years old. It would destroy me if a man killed my son...I understand this misery from a perspective of a protective desperately in love big sister but as a mother I'm devastated again and again to think of my parents grief in losing Jake and losing him in the way they did.


But God whispered something in my heart this morning.
"Jake is not lost"


We did not loose our "Jakers".
I am reminded of a verse in 2 Corinthians.
"So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see. So I say that we have courage. And we really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord."
Jake is at home with the Lord right now. Paul tells us to have courage that while we are on earth we live by what we believe but when we die to life on earth we don't have to just believe, we will be living the promise God gave us not just believing it.


We actually have proof while here now that we have a greater destination. We have proof to accompany our faith that we are on our way somewhere and this is not our home.
God gave us something that is not physical. He gave us a gift that we cannot see but that is eternal. He has already given us a down payment of what is to come.
God has given us a spirit. A soul, and the holy spirit.
These unseen gifts are who we are. 
If a paralyzed person was asked if they consider their identity to be a cripple they would tell you no. Who they are is what is inside of them not what their body suffers.
If a beautiful woman is defined by her outer shell when she ages who is she then? If she is no longer beautiful because of her appearance then what is the meaning of her existence?
"Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new everyday."
Jake's body is no longer becoming older and weaker, his body has been shed and his spirit has entered into eternity with the Lord.
So when I say we lost Jake at 17, I should say Jake has graduated at 17. At 31 I am still on the path to graduation. 


Scientists of all belief systems will agree that humans have spirit. The spirit is our emotions and mind and sense of humor etc. 
Even the ones that believe in evolution cannot explain where the spirit came from. It did not crawl onto shore and grow a tail. It did not form in the "big bang". The spirit is unseen and it is the breath of God Himself. 
If the things that are unseen are eternal and the spirit and soul in us is unseen, we have eternity awaiting us. Our unseen gifts were not given by our own doing, and they were not granted from particles from the big bang. We all know we have a physical body that does not function without the spirit yet the spirit is unseen and cannot be weighed or measured...


"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God."
God's Spirit confirms and is a witness to our spirit inside of us that we are His children and if His children then heirs and co-rulers. (romans 8:17) We have an eternal purpose and an exciting future awaiting our arrival into eternity.
Jake is apart of the welcome we will receive when we enter the beginning to the rest of eternity.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Flying home from Florida alone with a newborn and a 2 year old was not easy, but spending my 7 year anniversary without my beloved and the thought of possibly missing Christmas without him too was even more difficult.
Despite the thought that staying put in Florida with mom and dad until the trial scheduled for January, I followed my homesick heart back to Colorado to be with Dave for a family Christmas. Our first Christmas as a family of 4.
I was so determined to be at the trial for Jake and to support his life and my family that I trekked my brand new barely 2 week old and 2 year old across the country to be there by December 6th when the trial was supposed to begin.
The trial was postponed until January despite all the confirmations before traveling that the trial was indeed happening in Dec.

Dave and I have been in the fiery nucleus of change, promise, stress and turmoil in sowing seeds for our future. So when I returned home with expectations of spending time immersed in our love for one another in this exciting Christmas season with a brand new baby and our sweet Oscar, I was faced again with the reality of real life. Dave is currently working 2 full time jobs. His own business keeps him busy all week as well as his full time job at Ouray. His part time Masters program at Denver University keeps him studying and away as well as the application process to get into Harvard, Stanford or Wharton. Thankfully he is done with the GMAT studying. That was it's very own full time job.
I have just given birth to our second son as our first born has kept me busy chasing him about 20 miles a week at least.
We have paid off our debt of 60,000. Praise the Lord. We officially paid this off in September. And we are anticipating a move in July for Dave's MBA program.
The death of Jakey is ever looming over our each day as I'm grieving myself, saddened for my parents, casting anger onto my savior ,and drudging through the dark room of trials in just surrendering to the Lord in all of it. These life activities do not allow for much connecting time spent with your spouse no matter how much you want it.

I look to our future and say it will be more complete when we get to that point. Or when Dave is done with school and we can finally settle and not move states again, then we will have the opportunity to enjoy each other.

This morning it was taking forever to feed Wells. I had so much to do to prepare for our long day of Christmas preparations. Wells nursed for a long period of time then needed more food so I fed him the bottle and after an hour of feeding he still wanted to be held.
I wanted to feed him but not for so long. If it was up to me I would have fed him for 20 minutes and put him down to finish getting ready.
It's now 10:20 am and I began my day at 7am doing everything since 7 for the two boys. I'm still in my robe face unwashed and a list 3 pages long for me to complete without any help just today.

But while feeding Wells this morning I understood a beautiful thing.
Our children force us to live in the moment. We can't just do things on our own schedule. As I'm feeding Wells and its taking forever, I realize the bonding we are doing is priceless. He will not be this size for very long (even though he is 4 weeks old he is already in 3-6 month clothes). If I look at this season with a surrendered heart and Christ centered thinking rather than self centered thinking I'll see that this is a blessing. It doesn't matter that I have things to do around the house. My brand new baby needs me to feed him about 8  times in the day and it takes an hour to an hour and a half each feeding. I'm getting nothing done but I get to bond for the whole hour and a half with my baby boy that will grow up way too soon. At least I had those several feedings just him and I when he needed me, when he and I stared in each others eyes, I could memorize his face and he could learn mommas scent and voice and love for him.

In looking at the season that Dave and I are in I see a lot of work and a lack of time connecting with one another. I know that the truth is that this is a blessing for us. We surrender our time and the work he does daily, we know this is the path God has us on right now and we can rest and trust the Lord is doing something it.
 I'm praying that we learn what we are supposed to in the moments. Just as I am forced in a blessing I wouldn't know to ask for with spending so much time feeding Wells, I know that God is doing something great in this season with Dave too. We are in a season of work but there is a blessing in it. Besides the blessing of having jobs and food and money to provide for our needs God is wielding a beautiful thing in the hearts between David and I. I am learning in the moments and thanking God them. We will look back on this season with fond memories and wish we could have these moments back.

7 YEARS!

It is Dave and my anniversary today!
7 years married. 12/13/03
It is our anniversary today yet unfortunately we had to spend today seperated from one another.
Dave is in Colorado and I am still in Florida.
It's been a heavy two weeks for me as I've been at my parents house awaiting a trial and deep in the muck of grief before Christmas and the anniversary of Jake's death so for me to set that aside and ponder on the past 7 years has been near impossible today. I sought out several moments to think and pray for Dave and for our future and our family but there was not a moment to steal for the celebration of our 7 year journey together. I'm grateful we will have the opportunity to celebrate when I return and not here in the midst of the sadness my family and I feel with the trial hanging over our head.
God has surprised me in my marriage almost everyday.
I have been blessed to experience a oneness and intimacy with a human being that reflects a oneness and intimacy that God desires to have with me.
I have been swept off my feet and giddy in love with my groom and I have been dissappointed and hurt by my groom in our 7 years.
One thing God continually reminds me of is Dave is not my all in all. He is not to fulfill my needs only God Himself can fulfill me. I will be dissappointed every time if I dare look to Dave to be super human and expect him to be my everything. I first look to God for my needs, for my desires for my identity and my wholeness then and only then will I be satisfied with my relationship with Dave. Then I can find an intimacy that is so pure and deep with my spouse that it is so obviously blessed by God.  I will not bog Dave down with my expectations and rules and baggage.
Anyone that knows Dave and I knows that I am a feeler and He is a thinker.
Two of the most opposite personalities.
This got us into relational trouble quite a few times.
Being so opposite in our thinking has also brought some great material through the years to tease one another.
I look back on the trial times and wilderness times we have had in our marriage and I'm thankful to have learned through it. We know each other more intimately because of it.
In my relationship with Christ I see the wilderness times when I thought I was facing life alone or when the trials were heavy upon me, I see them as builders of faith.
If the hard times bring me closer to my beloved husband and deeper into Christ than I surrender to God's will for these uncomfortable times.

Psalm 104: 1-2
"Let all that I am praise the Lord. O Lord my God, how great you are! you are robed with honor and majesty. You are dressed in a robe of light. You stretch out the stary curtain of the heavens;"

Randomly I had a few words of encouragment I wanted to share before I close this post. I'm so tired and can't quite get out all that I wanted to on marriage but still wanted to share something I felt that I was supposed to share before closing.

God is uniquely purposful inside of you. His Word lives inside of you.
If you step back and give truth permission it will set you free.
The word that God used to speak the universe into existence continues to explode new life through Christ in you.
We are God's children and we have His glory inside of us.
Living through trials and hardships is time lived in the wilderness. You experience a depth of intimacy with Christ that would not be revealed in you while in comfort. The wilderness time is a time to fast, pray, seek God's wise council and to be still and trust the Lord in humility.

A Hearing in Florida

a picture naples daily news took of us entering the court room

Oscar Wells and I traveled to Florida last week to attend a long coming trial for the murder of my baby brother Jake. We were told to be in court on the 6th of December for the trial to convict the shooter but when we arrived the morning of the 6th, the Judge informed us that the trial will be set for January.
What did take place in court was a hearing for the defense. The defense attorney was asking for the trial to be dismissed on self defense. It was a joke to sit and listen to the defense attonrey try to paint a picture of this man shooting Jake in the back who was running away from a man with a gun to be self defense. 2 hours of witnesses later and the judge saw that there was no way he was going to grant a dismissal. With that behind us we are  now praying for this trial in January.

Madly In Love

These are not the greatest quality pictures but it's all I have at the moment. All pictures are in my mom's camera and I'm waiting to get some back.

I am completely insanely in love with these two boys. I have been blessed with two boys and a husband that I cannot even fathom the depth of my own love for them.
Well's Jake Monroe Woodall was born Tuesday morning at 1am the 23rd of November.
9 lbs 14 oz 21" long.
He came out with big chubby cheeks and a healthy dose of baby fat all over.
In the weeks and MANY months leading up to this unforgettable day I was sharing in the previous post that I started to wonder if it was all true and if this was even going to actually happen. It's a crazy thought that I had a 9lb baby living and growing in my body for 9 months and I still had doubts that it was real.

Picture my mom took of me at the grocery store days before Wells arrival. I was HUGE. My belly couldn't be stretched any further out.

It's too much of a miracle to be real! This child lives inside of me and will soon be born from my body into the world to live and grow and learn and be loved under the care of David and I.
It's so wonderful.
As I was trying to explain this to my mom only a few days before Wells was born she had a beautiful thought from the Lord.
She said that just as it is an impossible thought that we carry a living child created and formed in our womb by God Himself for 9 months to be born alive into the world it is also an impossible thought that Christ really is returning to take the church home to be born into life to live with the Father... As in pregnancy we have signs that there really is a baby in there and that baby will be born soon, so it is with the signs of the seasons that we see Christ is returning soon to take us home. We will be born again into our real life in eternity. I can get really discouraged thinking this is taking forever! When are you coming Lord? I see the signs happening all around me. Prophecies are being fulfilled and yet I doubt He will return let alone soon. But it's kind of obvious as my belly can't be any bigger as in this picture above shows, the signs of Christ return can't be any more obvious either.
Very exciting. I just wanted to share that thought that my mom had it was an eye opening conversation for me.

Here We Go!

Just an update:
We are at the hospital right now awaiting our second son Well's arrival into the world.
I'm contracting and at a few centimeters. It should be a long night ahead of us.
As I lay in this hospital bed feeling the intensity of each oncoming contraction I think about the long wait anticipating this day, anticipating the very moment that he enters into our life on earth.
Over the past few weeks I've prayed about the significance of birth pains felt before Christs arrival to bring the church home. The second coming has been fast on my heart and mind for several months, more lately than ever.
These contractions are not comfortable at all, and neither are the birth pains God told us would come in the end times before the return of Christ. I know the time is soon, all the prophecies are happening before our very eyes. The "signs of the times" are now. Just as God said that we would know winter is coming by the season of fall, we will know we are in the end times the final days before He comes to take us home by the signs of the season (signs of the times).
9 months is a long wait for a mother longing to experience motherhood, yearning to hold her child in her arms. It's been a long wait too, yearning for Jesus to rescue us from the birthing pains of life on earth in the end times. As my mom and I were sitting on the couch 2 days ago. I told her I knew this baby was coming soon. I saw the signs of his arrival but I couldn't believe he was going to actually be here. It's crazy that I can carry him for almost a year and still I doubt the miracle can actually happen.
I think how can this be? This child has been growing in me and I know his day of birth is fast approaching but I can't wrap my mind around it.
My mom had a sweet thought from the Lord that said just as
okay I actually have to put this post to rest for now. The contractions are too intense to finish the post. I'll be back after the epidural has been given to finish my thought.

Unbounded Glory Lovingly Placed In You

I read a story of a great composer named Mendelssohn who visited a cathedral containing one of the most expensive organs in Europe.
After listening to the organist he asked to play.
The organist replied "no, I do not know you and we do not let people that we don't know to use the organ."
Finally Mendelssohn convinced the organist to allow him to play for a moment.
He began to play and his music filled the cathedral with such music as was never heard in that cathedral before. The organist asked who he was and when Mendelssohn told him his name the organist was dumbfounded and said "to think that an old fool like me nearly forbad Mendelssohn to play upon my organ!"
I think about the verse 1 Cor. 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own."

What unimaginable, unseen works of glory and treasure could be revealed in our lives in our own hearts if we stepped aside and gave God complete permission and control into the everyday - into the moment.

He's the composer! He is the creator and yet I think that I'm capable to run my day.
WHAT?
Just like the organist playing away proudly on his little organ I busily will play house all day and not think to stop what I'm doing and surrender the instrument over to the master of music.
But God is asking if I will allow Him to take over where I can sit back and enjoy the music. I don't have to have the talent He does and His talent will blow my mind and bless the socks off of me if I will just surrender to Him.

There are days that I remember to immediately surrender the day to the Holy Spirit. I'll wake up and say Lord this is the day that you have made. Your will be done, you be glorified, your words your steps..I surrender this day to you, I surrender my will for yours and my death for your life in me.

But most days I forget to say it. I forget to surrender and my day will go on and the end of the day approaches and I prepare for the next.
But what am I missing out on here?

There are days that I look at my life and I think, "what is God doing in me anyway?" I don't see great things happening. God has given me a small mustard seed of faith that says (2 Corinthians 4:18) "While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."
It is here that I remember that surrendering my will for God's will is an unseen act and God is working out the eternal through His will being done in me.

If I can now speak more directly to you and say,  God created you. You did not create yourself did you...You do not even know yourself.  God knows you. He is the illustrator of your imagination. He is the yearning in your heart, He is the humor behind your laughter, He is the warrior behind your bravery, He holds you together, He completes your existence.

Why do I leave out the most important part of my day even knowing this about our creator?
I mean I never go without brushing my teeth in the morning.
I always put clothes on before leaving the house. Yet I can forget to take a few moments to surrender my heart, my will and desires my day to the Lord in exchange for His life in me.

He is the creator, He knows His temple with every note and knob, every hidden bolt holding you together (The glue which is Himself).

I am fascinated by the heavens above us. I cannot get enough of the stars and cosmos. I always think that there is so much to learn of God in the vast expanse of the universe.
The picture of the milky way above thrills me.
God made this massive love letter above our heads for us to read every night before bed.
We are always discovering new unexplainable wonders even just in the milky way above us.
And here we are the very temple, the very holding place of all of God's majesty.
We are walking temples of GOD Himself who created this milky way. We don't have to go to a building to worship Him, we worship our creator who is inside of us.

Now obviously He knows more about our life than we do. You would think surrendering our day would be a no brainer.  At least for me it isn't that easy to remember.
It's not even our day to claim.
It is the day that the Lord has made, we did not make it anyway.

 Lets remember that today we step aside and let the creator do His work in us.
What great things we reap from it will travel beyond our earthly life.

A Raw Glimpse Into Dave's Journal

I read Dave's journal today!  I do not usually do that, if I wanted to read it he would not care but I would normally just ask him what he's been writing in it.
But while Dave was off at school today and I was reading God's word this afternoon I felt that I couldn't grasp all that was in front of me.  I wanted a little bit more. I learn from Dave's walk with the Lord and I just wanted a quick gulp of fresh wisdom he gleans from the Lord daily.
I cam across four entries that I want to share with you....... (he said I could ;)

Before we dive into the journal entries I want to also share that the trial of Jake's murder has been planned for December 6th.  This has been consuming my mind and heart.
Since January 1st 2010 when Jake was shot and killed the emotional wear on Dave and I has been beyond what we have faced in our life before.
I was experiencing doubled over grief while Dave was not in full grief/mourn mode as I was he tried to comfort me best he could.
The pain of loosing my sweet baby brother has been a night mare that I cannot wake up from.
Now in reading through Dave's journal from the hardest months, I'm finding some beautiful notes from his heart asking God to help him surrender to God's strength in him, to God's comfort in him so God can comfort me through dave..
Jake was a little brother to Dave too. Dave felt the pain and sting of loosing him but my grief took our relationship to a whole new level of trials.

This trial approaching in December will be very difficult.
Jake was still at the age where he was overjoyed for Christmas day. The last christmas when Dave and I were home with family and parents Jake woke us up telling us to hurry up because it was Christmas morning. He was not yet at the age of sleeping in on Christmas morning. He woke us up early and came back to our room several times as we fought off the desire to fall back onto the pillow, he told us to get a move on that there were presents to be opened.
So THis Christmas was going to be tough for our family anyway, and now we have this trial to prepare emotionally and mentally for.
The anniversary of his death being right around the corner as well. It will be all very trying.

I've been in a fog with these events approaching and in reading Dave's journal I was very encouraged. I think these truths are encouraging for all of us that is why I wanted to share them.


2/24/10
In addition to my death, I want to exchange my sin for His righteousness. My death for your life, my depravity for your purity.

"through God we shall do valiantly; For He is that which shall tread down our enemies."

Lord you have put me in a position of influence. May I hold it loosely and keep a soft and open heart. Form me and mold me into the child you want me to be. May I die that you would live in me.

3/2/10
the pressure and relational tension can get to me if I don't keep my eyes on the Lord.
Lord in thy mercy and love for me, would you exchange my sin and filth for your righteousness and cleanliness of body soul and mind. May I accept your life in exchange for my death.

"Knowing this that our old man is crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin."

Lord you are victorious and have a plan that you are forming in me.
Iron sharpeth iron; so man sharpeneth the countenance of His friend." prov 27:17

3/22/10
with the death of Jake we've entered into a new area of challenges.
I believe there are 3 types of problems and challenges
-money/resources
-health-physical/mental/emotional
-relational
Danae's emotional health has brought on some relational tension between the two of us.

"being made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness." romans 6:18
This is the first time in reading this that I agree and want it to be so. Before I didn't feel it, but now I do. I long for the power of my master and the influence of His message to transform me into one I was not.

"what shall we then say to these things? if God be for us, who can be against us!" romans 8:31

5/27/10
danae is under a lot of pressure and tension with the combination of Jake's death, her pregnancy sickness, Oscar's difficulties, a small house, being far from family and my full schedule. Makes for a heavy load. Lord in thy mercy...

Lord, I'm calling on you. I fully believe we are here on this earth to know the revelation of Jesus Christ in and through our existence. Earth is neither easy or guaranteed. May I walk in the truth that no structure or system built by man will last. Each day is an opportunity to see Christ glorified. Holy Spirit you are welcome here.

That is the conclusion of entries I shared from Dave's journal.

I hope the encouragement that I received from these words translated to your own hearts during times of pain in your life as well.

I See My Father in You!

Do you ever just see God in someone? If they are showing love or forgiveness...do you see an attribute that you know came from the Father?
I've been thinking a lot lately about each person having their very own unique attributes of God.
Each individual child created in God's image has a different attribute and quality of God in them.
God has placed Himself differently in each person ever created. No one person could hold all of God's "genes" :) or glory in them. Here is our opportunity, to know God deeper through the body of Christ (the church).
Each person having a treasure chest inside of them that they may choose to open or not in their lifetime makes me want to get to know the body.
It makes me want to know people intimately so that I can catch a glimpse of God in a way that I myself do not have the understanding of without knowing these people, and knowing God in them. God is so beyond our comprehension, so HUGE that we could not know Him fully completely on our own. We need the body (the church) to know Him deeper.
The potential for every human being created is to have God glorified in them uniquely and special, a part of God that no one else created has in them.
I was just reading about NASA'S spacecraft that traveled 2.9 billion miles to take photos of the comet traveling into our galaxy.
The earth is 24,900 miles around the circumference. 2.9 billion miles to travel anywhere is hard to imagine but that is not a destination to the ends of the universe.
Space continues on and on trillions of miles as we now know. As big as space is it is not bigger than it's creator. God is bigger than His creation and He dwells in you and me. God himself has given us His attributes, His great power through His Son inside of us and we get to go deeper even deeper into the knowledge of our Father the creator of all. This kind of knowledge of God can go on forever and ever can't it? We have eternity to get to know Him  more intimately and to be revealed His awesomeness.
He has placed himself in each of us, each person carrying a special and uniquely unimaginable revelation of God Himself.
We look up at the milky way and we think 'wow God is huge.' There are mysteries hidden in the world around us, mysteries hidden in the universe and yet God has placed Himself inside of each of us so the mysteries that hold everything together are actually in us!
I look at that picture of the milky way and I'm in awe of God because of it. I praise His holiness and power.
The milky way is 180,000 light years in total width and it is being held together by Jesus.
And Jesus in me, who holds everything together encompasses all the fullness that is all in all. Jesus is the glue that holds all things together, and therefore His commands are not imposed upon us but already written into the very nature of man.
God has so lovingly placed His spirit and His attributes in the people of the world I want to know Him through them. I want to learn all I can in my short encounters with a random person I do not know at the store. Or look deep into someone's eyes and search for the glimpse of God in them.
What about those people that are so unlovable or a homeless man that is drunk on the street asking for money. I know God gave him His very own light. It's right inside of the man but they may not have interest in listening to God's voice. They may not want to crack open the treasure chest of God's glory inside of them.  Or maybe this man does not know His true identity in Christ. In the Son of God the creator of all. Powerful Merciful Savior Jesus.
Regardless if this man does or does not care about the treasure God placed inside of him I don't want to miss out on God in him (In the homeless man).
Jesus is still holding him together, God has still placed His glory in Him and God said in Matthew 25:45 "that whatever you have not done for the least of these you have not done for me."
Sin shrouds the light of God in those of us that allow it to ravish our flesh and it may be hard for us to see the image of God in anyone given into sin, those so enraptured by the flesh and sin have missed out on our most glorious inheritance.
They will probably miss out for all of eternity depending on their hearts desire.
God has given us Him and the knowledge of Him and all that comes with being a child of the King and we can miss it in each other and miss the blessings OR we can return the call from God through His body (the church) with an answer that says I love this person and I want to know what God has shared of Himself through them.

Identity

Who are we created to be?
What is our purpose?

I ask the Lord these two questions all the time.
I now know that our calling is not to be imitators of Christ but to have Christ formed within us.

Don't you know that Christ lives inside of you? I remind myself.
Literally all the power and glory is Christ's and it is within you. Colossians 1:16-20 "And all things were created for Him. For it was the fathers good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him." and all that fullness dwells in us through Him. We have access to the Son and the Father the creator and almighty God. We have access to His power.
We are the temple of God and we are holy ground.

This is really exciting and we haven't even scratched the surface in these revelations yet. Paul only just began the teachings of this gift for the children of God.

I used to look at my life and judge my identity and purpose on what I was doing or how I looked some days or how other people viewed me.
God allowed these false perceptions to run their course in me.
I had big plans for myself starting in high school.
I was created for something real big, something really spectacular and glorious.
Over the course of some life lessons and embarrassing moments that dream died in me.
I thought I was going to be a singer at least to glorify God.
That dream had to die in me too. Also through embarrassing moments and humbling trials.
I slowly started grasping God's wisdom inside of me saying, I AM, and you are i am not.
As I've shared this concept before I will not repeat myself here but the point is I began to understand that nothing inside of my strength and my power or my talent will ever produce life, fruit or success. Only Christ in me has the talent and power and strength and beauty and life giving fruit from hard work. I cannot produce anything. i am not but HE is I AM. Therefore i am because He is I AM in me.

So, in this revelation we ask ourselves, at what point is identity what you do?
Well, identity is never what you do. Our calling, our identity is not to be imitators of Christ but to have Christ formed within us.
That is a whole thing we can talk about for a long time. The revelation of Christ within you. Life lived  through Christ's life in me instead of through my efforts...my death in other words.
Well, I'll stick with what I wanted to originally share and that is our identity.

Christ is the head of the body and we are His body (the church is his body).
Ephesians 1:22-23
And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all.

The lowest part of the body is the feet and yet being the body of Christ ALL that was created is under our feet because of Christ.
We are destined for great kingdoms and rulership. We are destined for reflecting the very glory of GOD.
1 Corinthians 2:9
eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart ofman, te things which god hath prepared for them that love him.
Ephesians 1:17-19
"that the god of our lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him; the yes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his might power....

So as I scrub toilets too many times a day because my house of boys may miss aim, or as my heart still grieving the death of my sweet Jake still ravishes any sense of a former beauty in me, or when I continually stand in the background and cheer on my successful husband and two boys for the rest of their lives as I fade into the background, I can know that my identity is not in what I do. It's not even in who I am but it is in who Christ is within me.
It's actually not what I do at all but it's that i am not but Christ is I AM inside of me. He is doing something mysterious in us in this time on earth. Preparing us pruning us shedding sin in us to prepare us for life for eternity of glory with Him.

These are the things I need in life to break me of my prior dreams. Wanting to be I am for myself. When I wanted to be a singer or do something big and spectacular whatever it was, I wanted to have the glory I wanted the spotlight and the recognition to validate my identity.
When you know that you are a "not" you can rest in His life in you instead of your death.

He has put all things in heaven beneath His feet.
We have great things ahead of us.
I need the humbling and the truth of who I am not while I'm here so I can receive who God is in me for our great rewards in Heaven.

A Stranger at the Mall

A couple weeks ago my mom and dad were in town visiting.
It was refreshing to have them here. There is always a void after they have to leave for home again. My mom flew in days before my dad, so we did all the fun girl things we could handle before dad arrived. Shopping, girl movies, talking over coffee as long as we wanted, eating the things we love to eat.... we enjoyed each others company yet with all the fun on this visit also came moments of grieving Jake and trying to wrap our mind around life without him, a future without his existence for the rest of our lives on earth.
It was wonderful to be with mom and it was heavy for both of us too. Bringing our heartaches together after grieving separately for 10 months brought on a new side to pain for me.
One day in the midst of one of these bittersweet days we decided a little shopping would do our soul some good.
Mom went into one store and I decided to go into another. I was so distracted while looking at the mall map that I couldn't find the store I wanted to visit. My heart was heavy in that moment and I couldn't concentrate.
Jake went to the mall with mom and I all the time. He loved being with us. He had a heart for his mother and sister. He would go into all the stores with us and we would go into his favorite stores. While looking at that map I was all over the place emotionally just thinking about how much I wanted to experience more of Jake's life than the time we had. He was still a baby, at least to me and I wanted to see him graduate, go to college, marry and grow deeper and deeper into his relationship with Jesus. I wanted to share in this with him.
I was staring, and getting nowhere. The mall at this time of day was empty. No one was on the second floor where I stood but out of nowhere in the corner of my eye I saw a tall man approach Oscar and I. I could see that he stood next to me waiting for me to notice him. Even without looking at him I sensed his smile.
He had a beautiful smile on his face and when I turned to address him he took off his hat put it to his heart and leaned into me closer as to give me his utmost attention and respect.
He was a tall strong older black man with the most welcoming embrace behind his eyes that I have ever seen in my life.
He only spoke a few words but it wasn't in his words that made me want to fall into his arms and cry the heaviness away. It was in the atmosphere around him. He was a beautiful man but his strength and beauty paled in comparison to this genuine love, concern and tenderness that exuded from him, it felt like the three of us were protected by it.

Nothing had changed other than this mans presence and yet my heart was uplifted and I just wanted to praise God.
He said "Can I help you find where you are going?"
Well, I wish I wasn't so struck with awe that I couldn't have a little more to say or ask him. I just giggled like a child and got out a mesmerized "oh, thank you so much, I'm okay."
I literally turned my head to the map for a second, no more than 3 seconds and looked back at him but he was already gone.
I'm telling you, there is nowhere he could have raced to that fast. No store anywhere near us was that close for him to jump into and hide behind a wall. We were in a lobby area on the second floor. No one at the mall on the second floor at this time and he disappeared within the time it took me to turn my head for a few seconds.
I was more than encouraged!
I felt like I was walking on clouds because I just knew my Abba sent an angel to encourage me in that moment. God knows our hearts and what we need more than we do. There have certainly been times that I would have thought ordained a sweet encouragement from a messenger from god even more than this time but this was the fullness of time for the Lord to send me a no question encourager. My spirit cannot deny it. FOr me it was uplifting and glorifying to the Lord because it lifted me up so much. I am still encouraged by it today when I think of this man's eyes and smile and genuine concern for me.
I think his question to me "Can I help you find where you are going." was a sweet reminder too that I may think I am floundering here with no direction right now but God is directing my steps. "A man's heart devises his way: but the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I do not understand God's ways. He's so awesome that my mind cannot even fathom the glory in his pinky finger. I don't know why sometimes little messages like this go such a long way and encourage such a deep pain but I praise You God for knowing what I needed and for your love for us. 

Purpose, Identity and Motherhood

I look at this picture and I feel like I can completely relate... if only she were pregnant too.
Barefoot, pregnant, carrying laundry and child and walking up hill.
Mothers do it all.
I will not be able to address all my thoughts of purpose, identity and motherhood in this one post therefore I will continue thoughts and things I've learned in the next few posts.

I am now 35 weeks pregnant. Over the past few months as my skin has expanded into new territory and my accumulated fat has exceeded 45 extra pounds I've begun to face a bit of a self esteem issue.
Feeling my stomach muscles tearing a little bit more each day and battling the looming threat of stretch marks I pray, Lord I'd like to keep some form of my former figure.
The other day as I was frowning in the mirror,  I heard from the Lord. "You are beautiful." I heard Him say.
I felt this acceptance and love surge through my body. That was music to my soul coming from my Abba.
But why Lord, What makes a woman beautiful, I've been asking ever since.
What is a woman's purpose?
What is it about a woman that is beautiful?
I believe there is some mystery, some unrevealed treasures inside God's plan and design of His daughters.
Until all is revealed we know for now as a daughter of God we have been given roles, responsibilities and gifts uniquely our own.
One of them being Life Giver.
I think about the Seraphs (angels) in heaven praising God and the place filling with smoke and the temple shaking at their voice.
The result of their word is powerful yet they are not made in God's image. We are made in His image.
Imagine what happens when we praise God being His children and with the Son of God inside of us. As we dwell and abide in Christ the result of our words are powerful and irreplaceably purposeful.

Life giver is an attribute of God's given to us as a gift. We share this attribute with God almighty and through God in us.
It's a beautiful thing. We carrying God's children in our womb, in our very body for 9 months, give birth and then get to raise them.
The gift of life giver is not only through our bodies giving life to children but also through our word.
God created the universe by the Word. He spoke it into existence.
"The word became flesh and dwelt among us"(john 1:14)
And now the word lives in us! The word that became flesh is Jesus and Jesus lives in us. Our words are "powerful, sharper than any two edged sword" (hebrews 4:12)
The Word is Jesus and we speak the word and it is life giving and powerful.
How do we use the word to give life or to give death?
A sharp sarcastic word can do the opposite of giving life to the hearer.
God's word is alive and active in you.
Here are a few points I've gleaned from a recent study on truth and the word in us:
- God's words are omnipotent; because we have been created in His image, our words are potent
- Our words are potent no matter how we use them.
- God desires not only that His children believe truth but also that we speak it:"I believed; therefore I have spoken (2 cor 4:13)
- God ordains that words of faith have more power than thoughts of faith alone; (matt. 17:20)
Pray and speak with faith in His name.

Our opportunity is for Christ's life and His word to flow through us and create peace and life to the hearer. The hearer is our children and the world around us. Those of us who cannot have children do have the gift of life giver and they have the opportunity to plant seeds with the truth of God or with any encouragement that comes out of their mouth.
When God created the world he used His word and His word continues day after day second after second to create life since He spoke it.
Seeds still grow, animals continue to give birth, fish still live and produce and the universe still expands. I think space is ever growing. Molecules and adams continue to support and produce life all around us.
I think my own word spoken is powerful through Christ and I don't want to waste it or use it in my sin. It's a gift and I wonder if it's a special gift given to woman in a more life giving sort of way as life giver seems to be a main gift given to woman by God.

When the kids are asleep

I write this post with peanut butter smeared sleeves, a crayon propped atop my ear, bible in one hand and decaf sugar free instant coffee in the other. Finally, Oscar's nap time and I have a few moments to race through the house cleaning, a chance to brush my teeth and make myself look human. Yet usually at about this time something stops me from my small opportunity to accomplish these chores. It's the familiar prodding of the Holy Spirit calling me to reflect and seek the heart of my beloved Jesus.

But these days as the rare silence falls it's not the still small voice that stops the course but the swelling sting growing from stomach to throat. Thoughts of Jakey are loud and clear. A void without him is mocking me at a louder volume.  Jake is with the Lord, I tell myself. He is enjoying dangerously amazing adventures, peace, unimaginable fun and joy.
This does help during the day while I'm taking care of the family but it doesn't cut through the sting and pain that creeps up when the silence falls.
So while Oscar sleeps, I do not hurry to clean the house and I do not attempt to put my appearance in order... No, I fall at the feet of Jesus. Have mercy on me Lord I cry. I miss my baby brother. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (job 1:21)
Job praised God even though all the hardships that fell on him were crippling emotionally, and physically.
I came into this world with nothing but in the years have gained loved ones. Jake was one of those irreplaceable loves in my life and the Lord saw fit to bring Him home.

Well, praise God. My life was more blessed by having the time I did with him and as I live in eternity my relationship with Jakers will grow even deeper from our time on earth into our time in Heaven with each other. Relationships will continue and will blossom.
One thing I'm learning through suffering on earth is that in the time of pain, I don't run to Jesus but He has run to me already. He is in it with me. He embraces me, keeps my tears in his bottle, (psalm 56:8) He doesn't come and go but He draws near to me holds me and stays with me.
He in me and I in Him we are one and in the pain, life is not lived a moment without Him.
The Lord never leaves us nor forsakes us and is among us and in us as we suffer.
Looking back on the moments when I fall to my knees at Jesus feet in anguish over Jake's death, I see with more clarity now.
I know that the act of falling is literally the physical reaction to the fact that I cannot go on. It's like an awareness to myself that I'm not doing anything without Christ's strength in me.
I'm not doing anything alone. While on my knees I feel Jesus on His knees holding me, lifting me up to take one more step closer, even deeper in Him.
Without pain, I do not have these intimate opportunities to completely trust and surrender and to therefore gain the whole universe in Him.
One thing about pain is that it's a secret blessing. We won't see the full picture until the fullness of time, in the mean time I trust you Lord Jesus.

Working Your Way Out of God by Mike Wells

I've been away from the internet for a few weeks and hence my lack of fresh posts.
I want to share this great article by Mike Wells below:

I have noticed that my ever-increasing age, the strength of my glasses has to be changed frequently. When I increase lens intensity, I can see things that I was missing. I believe it to be true of my spiritual eyes, as well. As I have otten older, God keps giving me new glasses with which I can see things previously unnoticed by me.
With new spiritual glasses come many changes. I still shudder when I think of Bible School and wearing the glasses of superiority because of what I knew and disdain for the "ignornat" of God's Word, which was constatnly proclaimed. After all, we were becoming " Theologians." With the glasses that I have had for some time,  I see the folly of that and repent of it. To think that a man will "know" God! My, it is so much nicer to bask in the beauty of the fact that I am known by God. Well, back to my present prescription. Jesus holds all things together(Col. 1:15-17; John 1:1-3; Eph 4:6; Acts 17:28).

He is the Life that holds all life together. We all exist in His Life; we are all connected to Him and totally dependent on Him for our existence. Therefore, we are in the Book of Life. The problem is that man lives by Him but refuses to recognize Him. What if God has given us seventy years (plus or minus) to either acknowledge He is our life or to work our way out of the book of Life? names are not put in the book of Life but taken out. So if a man, held together by Life and in the Book of Life, refuses to acknowledge that Life, then with that attitude he is actually working his way out of LIfe during his lifetime. Finally, at death that person gets the desire of his heart. All his years on earth were spent working his way out of Life, and now for eternity God gives hat he wanted and fought for and removes his name from the Book of Life. I am amazied at how hard this type of man works to get out of Life.

Jesus holds him together and yet the man hates Him with a passion and is anti-Christ in all he does. He goes to the graves as a God hater. God, on the other had, strives to keep him in Life; His sun shines on him, He provides for him, He heals him over and over, He blesses him, He sent His own Son for him, and yet the man wants away from Him, out of the Bood of Life. god is doing His utmost to keep the man, who in turn is struggling to be free. Recogniozing Jeesus is so easy, and in so doing, one will never have his name taken out of the book of Life. Working on'es way out of God is so, so so very difficult. Amen.

Is Eternity Physically Closer Than We Think?

Sometimes I wonder what clues God gives us about purpose and life in eternity and oneness with Him through His creation around us.
I know He has given us a few examples of this in the bible.
Matthew 6:28
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."
Matthew 6:25
"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
Matthew 13:31
"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in it's branches."
Proverbs 6:6-8
Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise. Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest.


What clues and surprises are all around me pointing to God's love for us?
Last night Dave and I were enjoying the life growing inside of me. Wells was dancing with every limb. Dave had his hands on my belly trying to soak in every bump and poke Wells was making when he looked at me and said, "what if Heaven is closer than we think? He began to explain a beautiful parallel between Heaven and the womb. I believe God gave Dave a hint of truth last night. I'll try to explain.
 Over the past 7 months we've rejoiced with Wells' every development, feeling him getting stronger and seeing my belly swell bigger and bigger each week we know he will be ready soon to join us in the world. We have so much love for Wells and yet he doesn't even know our love yet. He doesn't know every night Dave and I rub my belly hoping to touch him through the thin wall that separates us. Dave puts his mouth really close to my belly and he speaks beautiful words of love to Wells everyday yet Wells still cannot fathom the love we have for him. He would not be able to understand anything we are so excited to share with him when he is born. All he knows right now is the comfort of the womb. 
Wells does not know that we talk about him everyday and that we are preparing a place for him in our home.  We already love this child more than life. 
What if (as I've mentioned before in this blog) life on earth being our womb before eternity (preparing us for a life of eternity) is just as close to God and Heaven and our loved ones in Heaven as Wells is to Dave and I. Wells is comfortable in his womb being prepared and developed for a life on earth and we are enjoying him, longing for his birth. Drinking in his every movement. His grandparents and aunts and uncles are loving him and anticipating his arrival. He is with us and growing before our eyes yet he does not know of us. He can hear us and is wrapped in the warmth of our love but does not know of life on earth yet. 
He is only separated from us by a thin layer inside my body.
Are we being in the womb called life on earth only separated by a thin layer from those in Heaven? ARe they around us? Are we growing in character and developing spiritually inside of Christ while in this womb called earth until we are to be born into eternity with our Heavenly Father? Are our loved ones in Heaven rejoicing our growth and development in learning or God's glory and are they anticipating our arrival into LIFE. 
Life being eternity with God.
Are we all in the same room only separated by the thin layer? Does God and our loved ones hold us and talk to us and prepare for our arrival and rejoice with our every bump and poke as we mature excited for our birth.
I'm still praying for this to unfold inside my heart. I'm seeking God's understanding. I love this parallel and I praise God for glimpses of the life He prepares for us through His creation around us.

"When the Road is Winding Way to Long"

Psalm 42:7-8

"Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. Yet the Lord will command his loveingkindess in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life."

It's been a hectic and disappointing morning.

I'll spare you the details this time because I want to focus on what the Holy Spirit shared with me a few minutes ago. God so intimately and relevantly speaks into our hearts doesn't He?

As I was elbow deep in the muck of cleaning up after a busy beginning of the day and with a heart that was heavy for missing Jakey a song came on, You Deliver Me by Selah.

Its a beautiful song but as the artists sang out heartfelt words I thought, the Lord has delivered me from my own mistakes and sin and He has forgiven me and given me a crown, I'm thankful Lord, yet I want to know how you are delivering my family from this crushing heartbreak that we can hardly endure day after day.

I heard the spirit stir an emotional response of it's very own grief inside me, (grief for our pain). (Jesus wept when he beheld the sorrow of Mary from losing her brother. He was moved deeply. -John 11:33-38 ) 

.."My deliverance to you is moment by moment" I heard the spirit whisper in a way that told me the spirit inside me as well as the Father and Son are grieving with me, with us, with my family. He isn't far removed from the "sad story" of a 17 year old being shot and killed too early in his full beautiful life. The trinity is surrounding each of us in our tears in our sorrow in our dreams in our every moment delivering us so that we can take another breath so that we can love the ones around us and so that we can be apart of the "great dance"of life, the beautiful relationship between Father Son and Holy Spirit. 

The "great dance" of life isn't just a mere earth bound moment. It is the intimate relationship of Father Son and Holy Spirit and they together have a embraced God's children into the dance of life and love and harmony between them. Holiness is the very essence of the result of their love for each other and I have been invited into their oneness and holiness, into their experience of life. I've been reading a book called The Great Dance by C. Baxter Kruger. It has been eye opening and life changing.  I will refer to it a lot more in my future posts.

ANYWAY, back to what God was saying about His deliverance moment by moment...

The Lord was sharing with me that He is in it. He is in every moment with me. No moment is wasted. And He knowing my heart delivers me even when I don't realize it. He is carrying us through this. And in the process our relationship is deepened...moment by moment, day by day. God in the heartbreak is intimately and completely strengthening the bond between us. He is wrapping around me, with His strength string by string. I am the weak link and He in these moments in these deliverances in these beautiful weaknesses of mine is making us one unbreakable cord as a unity of oneness in our relationship. And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.  A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)

I like this verse but I also see the cord as a relational cord that I trust Jesus with this heartbreaking time in our life, and in the seen and unseen mercies I trust Him and in the process of the grief and in the process of Him wrapping around me we are bonded and united and we have a history of deepened relationship that in Heaven will be all the stronger. In Heaven the Lord and I will have a beautiful oneness that can not be broken. A oneness that was given through heartbreaking times on earth.

Our eternal relationship will grow from a deep intimate foundation from our memories and tears on earth.

God has opened up my heart to a new understanding of memories in Heaven but that is for another post. I rest in you Lord, "when the road is winding way to long, You deliver me.

Knowing Your Call

I love this picture of fireflies on a country road.

Nature blesses me so much, it reminds me of the mysteries and glories of God. It points to answers of my deepest questions about life and about who I am in God. Nature uplifts my spirit immediately and joins me in the chorus of praise with the countless saints praising at God's feet in the throne room. Yesterday Dave Oscar and I explored off the beaten path in the mountains. It was beautiful. At a special spot where the aspen trees were clumped together, the tall grass was dancing and a very large mountain cap sat behind the scene I closed my eyes, I could hear the trees and grass blowing in the wind, I could hear His creation around me saying "praise Jesus!" and I knew the angels were praising God in Heaven as I was and His creation all around was on earth.

As an "E.N.F.P." which is my personality type on the Myers Briggs personality test, I'm always contemplating my purpose, my contribution, my calling. I often ask God "what is the check list for me to arrive to who I am supposed to be, the person you made me to be?"
It's been a long humbling journey since I first started asking the Lord these questions.
It used to be more about myself than about God. I asked Him who I was and what was my purpose or talent for Him in order to know my importance and to build upon that in my lifetime and to accomplish great works for Him. HA! What a funny and immature thing to think.
I had ambition to know my importance to God and to His world when I was younger. I wanted to get started asap.
God brought me through a series of humbling  awakenings as well as small revelations through the years that brought me to my knees in recognition of His splendor, His awesomeness, His wonder, His majesty, His talent and importance and purpose, not mine...
There was a day when I was ready for it. After a few years of humility under my belt God had spoken to my heart that I was not but that He was.

I was walking on one of my favorite wood trails and I was talking with the Lord praising Him as we walked.
This particular trail was usually void of other people so I praised the Lord out loud and pictured us walking side by side.
When I stopped praising for a moment, I asked Him, "Lord, tell me something about yourself."
He said,  "I Am."
I heard it clearly, and powerfully.
The Holy Spirit in me cracked open a light that rushed through my body. I completely understood what He was telling me in that moment.
I almost jumped out of my skin and said "I get it!"
"YOU ARE I AM ARENT YOU LORD!" haha this is how I reacted. I just repeated what He said but I was so excited.
I continued on our walk babbling in awe of what He just revealed to me.
I said, "You are I Am which is everything, You are powerful, i am not but YOU are therefore i am!
You are wise, i am not BUT YOU ARE I AM, therefore i am wise because you are I Am.
Now it's harder for me to explain this moment we had on the trail on my computer but I went on like this going through everything good I could think of. God is I Am, I Am good, (i am not but He is therefore i am good because He is good)
I Am holy
I Am wise
I Am beautiful
I Am sinless
I Am powerful..........
On the other hand
i am not holy
i am not wise
I am sinless
I am weak but God is all of these things, He is I Am, therefore...i am. I would have been completely in awe and excited just about the part where God is all of these things being good and being EVERYTHING because He said His name is I Am, but He wanted me to understand that He shares Himself with me even by His very name. He shares the goodness of the Father Son and Holy Spirit relationship with me through His Son, His son being inside of me and therefore i am apart of their holiness and I being His daughter, I Am is my Father and I'm His little i am.
It's so beautiful because I Am encompasses ALL things. It covers everything.
He is all goodness and because He is therefore i am. Christ lives in me, He is all that is good, I praise Him and I can fall back on His goodness and His perfectness and be in Him all things.
Tozer says "The Son is of the Father alone, not made, nor created, but begotten. The Holy Spirit is of the Father and the Son; not made nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding." God exists in Himself and of Himself. His being He owes to no one. His substance is indivisible. He has no parts but is single in His unitary being.
So in learning that I am not but God IS, therefore I am because I am in Him, I look upon fireflies and a peace falls upon me.
The fireflies are created to shed light. They don't work at it they do not wake up in the morning and complete tasks in order to be full of light for their evening tasks. They're purpose is fulfilled through their creator. He has given them their light, they did nothing to earn it, only exist and in their existence God is glorified and their light shines.
I simply surrender to Christ in me, His life in me is glorified, His light shines, I simply exist and God is glorified in me.
I have no importance or talents. God has them and He in me fulfills His purpose and I get to fly around with my body lit up and experience the adventures of God. Just imagine what all this will look like in eternity.
Tomorrow I am going to type out an encouraging article that Mike Wells wrote about knowing your call.

Finishing Well.

What does it take to finish well?

What does it take to even run the race?

 You will squander time and you will invest time, depending upon what you do, but you will not get this day again.

Before finishing well I think of the life God has given me.

I don't see anything too exciting. I'm overjoyed as a mother of 1 and another on the way. This is an amazing gift to me. I am a wife of a man that I respect so completely. A man that I think is stronger than any man on earth mentally and physically. He too is a beautiful gift to me and I'm thankful.

But looking at my life from the comparison of a biblical character I can wonder sometimes if I'm not cutting it for the "good race." Or that sure I'll raise godly men (Oscar and Wells) and they will go off to be great warriors for Christ. Is that how I will finish well then, I ask myself, Through my boys accomplished life and possibly through Dave's great love and victories in our lifetime?

God hasn't called me to Africa or India even though my heart swells with love for the children there. I've struggled in the past wondering if I'm supposed to do more, travel more or be more self sacrificing. Well, as I've given that to the Lord I've received a peace in return for where I'm at right now. I am to stay put for now. So I wake up and face a day of cleaning and teaching Oscar and feeding our hungry household...everyday I spend without great victories or achievements. So what is the race then? And what is finishing well as Paul talks about in II Timothy?

I heard God's voice even at a young age.  I enjoyed hearing from Him even when He gently brought my sin to light. As I got older and matured in my relationship with Him I heeded to His voice and to the direction He was leading me. Listening for His voice and then obeying were essential in my walk with Him. I noticed as I got older that the more I listened for Him, (through prayer or surrendering to Him during the day and therefore being ready to hear) the more I heard Him. The more I obeyed what I heard the deeper our conversations and time spent would go. 

Now in contemplating the "good race" I notice something very similar in the every day race to hearing God's voice.

Each day seems to have a purpose in it. God in me is not wasted on a day of cleaning and playing with Oscar. This is the day He has made. Psalm 118:24 He designed my day for me as I am fully surrendered to Him in the spirit. Since I wake up He has established my day. I can't pin point every time but I can tell He has moments in my day that I may join Him however that is. Everyday there is an opportunity to join Him.

Some days I hear Him calling me to my knees. When Oscar is napping and me being 7 months pregnant I just want to collapse onto the couch and take a nap but I can hear in my spirit the Lord calling me to him, I can tell I am to worship and listen on my knees. It's my choice if I heed to His calling and obey His still small voice. Or He may be asking me to call someone right in the middle of my day when I should be finishing the dishes or getting things ready and organized for the new baby. 

The thing I've noticed is the more I heed to these callings the more of these opportunities He gives me. 

A lot of these times during my day it will be inconvenient for me or a nusiance. Yet It is God's day His plan and His life in me. He is my instinct, my compassion, my desire for His purpose comes from Him inside of me.

What I may think is inconvenient to my day is actually an invitation to join Him in the beautiful dance of life between Father Son and Holy Spirit, and He invites me. This thought on the race was confirmed for me when I read Ken Boa's take on the race. I pasted it below:

So, it would be prudent for you to realize that God always has some particular purpose for each day and if we are not careful we can get so consumed in our activities, and the allusion of control, that we will miss out on the small voice of the Spirit and miss out on what I call those 'kairos' moments. Remember, we have distinguished between 'chronos' and 'kairos'. Chronological time is 'chronos', and that is what you put in your daily planner, but 'kairos', opportunity time, you can not plan. That is something God Himself creates and you don't know when it will be. Undoubtedly, those times in the course of the day, which you cannot plan, will be the most important moments of your day. I think God gives us at least one kairos moment everyday. That is my suspicion, but how many have missed? You look back and think, "That might have been it." You don't beat yourself up, but just try and be more discerning next time and try and catch that moment. As I have said, also, those kairos moments also appear to be interruptions. They will often appear to be a nuisance. The reality is, though, that they may well be invitations to serve Christ as he is mediated through the presence of the one you see. 

I was inspired by what Ken said about Chronos and Kairos. Proverbs 16:9 "A man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps."  I may be preparing for certain things in my day, kairos, but the Lord pulls out these Chronos in the middle of my day providing me an opportunity to join Him and be blessed.

"To Live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21