Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"Faith is Based in Our Response to His Activity." -Mike Wells

God is outside of my box of understanding, His ways are not my ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I foolishly thought God owed us something this year. I was expecting good news concerning Dave's school applications because of all the bad news our family was receiving all year long. My irreplaceable baby brother was killed and since then there has been one tragic thing after another with our loving family. It's not my place to share all the heart break but I can say that God has stretched and exploded our faith into new horizons these two years.

Dave worked harder in three years than I knew was humanly possible. He managed his own small business, he worked as a creative director for a big company and went to school for his masters. All the while studying for the GMAT to get a good score for harvard and working on essays was a full time job all in itself.
As we needed encouragement Dave would quote scripture to remind us of a comforting truth "7Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. 8For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. 10So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."

I believed that as we were certainly sowing seeds of hard work and faith and trusting in God that we would reap the harvest of our hard work.
As Dave went to school, work, the library to study, and his own business during the week and weekends I would stay home with Oscar vomiting from my new pregnancy and grieving in spurts of rage and pain (for the loss of Jake) all day by myself while trying to hide it from Oscar and manage a smile for his benefit.

When the first response from one of four schools Wharton came in last month as a NO, I was not fazed. I told Dave, "we prayed all along. We surrendered our plans and our will to God asking Him if we should apply to these schools. He is working here and we have nothing to worry about."

But as the weeks passed we received two more answers. Harvard and stanford both said no.
We had one more school to hear from after 3 long years of hard work and extraordinary effort.
I lost my confidence in our "sowing".  I was completely discouraged while waiting on the Lord and the final answer from Kelloge.

Our patient Father in Heaven was lovingly drawing us to Him.
We were both hearing the same thing from Him in our own hearts. As I looked up during the day and would say "really Lord, we might not get in?!" He said trust me.
As I complained that I could have used my husband during the time of mourning Jake and vomiting my insides out, If only we knew that all the work towards MBA was "all for not!" the Holy Spirit filled me with a peace that said, "you do not know my ways because they are higher than your ways."

Isaiah 43:18-21
“Forget the former things; 
   do not dwell on the past. 
19 See, I am doing a new thing! 
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the wilderness 
   and streams in the wasteland. 
20 The wild animals honor me, 
   the jackals and the owls, 
because I provide water in the wilderness 
   and streams in the wasteland, 
to give drink to my people, my chosen, 
 21 the people I formed for myself 
   that they may proclaim my praise.

God is working something out in all of this.
I thought God owed us because Dave and I have been in the wilderness for so long now. I thought our hard work and faith in surrendering our will for His would pay off in blessings. This makes me laugh at myself.
I have no idea what God is doing because His ways are not my ways and sometimes His blessings are not my idea of blessings. All I do know right now is that The God of the universe is righteous and owes me nothing. Of course. And Wether He leads us down a path that seemed to be lots of pain, labor and sweat for nothing in my own understanding doesn't mean it's for nothing in the grand scheme of God's perfect plan.
I'll keep you posted if Dave gets into Kelloge. For now we are holding all things loosely and we are praying that we can proclaim God's praise even in these confusing and disappointing situations.
I am confident in my Abba's plan. I praise Him for directing our steps.