I read Dave's journal today! I do not usually do that, if I wanted to read it he would not care but I would normally just ask him what he's been writing in it.
But while Dave was off at school today and I was reading God's word this afternoon I felt that I couldn't grasp all that was in front of me. I wanted a little bit more. I learn from Dave's walk with the Lord and I just wanted a quick gulp of fresh wisdom he gleans from the Lord daily.
I cam across four entries that I want to share with you....... (he said I could ;)
Before we dive into the journal entries I want to also share that the trial of Jake's murder has been planned for December 6th. This has been consuming my mind and heart.
Since January 1st 2010 when Jake was shot and killed the emotional wear on Dave and I has been beyond what we have faced in our life before.
I was experiencing doubled over grief while Dave was not in full grief/mourn mode as I was he tried to comfort me best he could.
The pain of loosing my sweet baby brother has been a night mare that I cannot wake up from.
Now in reading through Dave's journal from the hardest months, I'm finding some beautiful notes from his heart asking God to help him surrender to God's strength in him, to God's comfort in him so God can comfort me through dave..
Jake was a little brother to Dave too. Dave felt the pain and sting of loosing him but my grief took our relationship to a whole new level of trials.
This trial approaching in December will be very difficult.
Jake was still at the age where he was overjoyed for Christmas day. The last christmas when Dave and I were home with family and parents Jake woke us up telling us to hurry up because it was Christmas morning. He was not yet at the age of sleeping in on Christmas morning. He woke us up early and came back to our room several times as we fought off the desire to fall back onto the pillow, he told us to get a move on that there were presents to be opened.
So THis Christmas was going to be tough for our family anyway, and now we have this trial to prepare emotionally and mentally for.
The anniversary of his death being right around the corner as well. It will be all very trying.
I've been in a fog with these events approaching and in reading Dave's journal I was very encouraged. I think these truths are encouraging for all of us that is why I wanted to share them.
2/24/10
In addition to my death, I want to exchange my sin for His righteousness. My death for your life, my depravity for your purity.
"through God we shall do valiantly; For He is that which shall tread down our enemies."
Lord you have put me in a position of influence. May I hold it loosely and keep a soft and open heart. Form me and mold me into the child you want me to be. May I die that you would live in me.
3/2/10
the pressure and relational tension can get to me if I don't keep my eyes on the Lord.
Lord in thy mercy and love for me, would you exchange my sin and filth for your righteousness and cleanliness of body soul and mind. May I accept your life in exchange for my death.
"Knowing this that our old man is crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin."
Lord you are victorious and have a plan that you are forming in me.
Iron sharpeth iron; so man sharpeneth the countenance of His friend." prov 27:17
3/22/10
with the death of Jake we've entered into a new area of challenges.
I believe there are 3 types of problems and challenges
-money/resources
-health-physical/mental/emotional
-relational
Danae's emotional health has brought on some relational tension between the two of us.
"being made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness." romans 6:18
This is the first time in reading this that I agree and want it to be so. Before I didn't feel it, but now I do. I long for the power of my master and the influence of His message to transform me into one I was not.
"what shall we then say to these things? if God be for us, who can be against us!" romans 8:31
5/27/10
danae is under a lot of pressure and tension with the combination of Jake's death, her pregnancy sickness, Oscar's difficulties, a small house, being far from family and my full schedule. Makes for a heavy load. Lord in thy mercy...
Lord, I'm calling on you. I fully believe we are here on this earth to know the revelation of Jesus Christ in and through our existence. Earth is neither easy or guaranteed. May I walk in the truth that no structure or system built by man will last. Each day is an opportunity to see Christ glorified. Holy Spirit you are welcome here.
That is the conclusion of entries I shared from Dave's journal.
I hope the encouragement that I received from these words translated to your own hearts during times of pain in your life as well.
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