Despite the thought that staying put in Florida with mom and dad until the trial scheduled for January, I followed my homesick heart back to Colorado to be with Dave for a family Christmas. Our first Christmas as a family of 4.
I was so determined to be at the trial for Jake and to support his life and my family that I trekked my brand new barely 2 week old and 2 year old across the country to be there by December 6th when the trial was supposed to begin.
The trial was postponed until January despite all the confirmations before traveling that the trial was indeed happening in Dec.
Dave and I have been in the fiery nucleus of change, promise, stress and turmoil in sowing seeds for our future. So when I returned home with expectations of spending time immersed in our love for one another in this exciting Christmas season with a brand new baby and our sweet Oscar, I was faced again with the reality of real life. Dave is currently working 2 full time jobs. His own business keeps him busy all week as well as his full time job at Ouray. His part time Masters program at Denver University keeps him studying and away as well as the application process to get into Harvard, Stanford or Wharton. Thankfully he is done with the GMAT studying. That was it's very own full time job.
I have just given birth to our second son as our first born has kept me busy chasing him about 20 miles a week at least.
We have paid off our debt of 60,000. Praise the Lord. We officially paid this off in September. And we are anticipating a move in July for Dave's MBA program.
The death of Jakey is ever looming over our each day as I'm grieving myself, saddened for my parents, casting anger onto my savior ,and drudging through the dark room of trials in just surrendering to the Lord in all of it. These life activities do not allow for much connecting time spent with your spouse no matter how much you want it.
I look to our future and say it will be more complete when we get to that point. Or when Dave is done with school and we can finally settle and not move states again, then we will have the opportunity to enjoy each other.
This morning it was taking forever to feed Wells. I had so much to do to prepare for our long day of Christmas preparations. Wells nursed for a long period of time then needed more food so I fed him the bottle and after an hour of feeding he still wanted to be held.
I wanted to feed him but not for so long. If it was up to me I would have fed him for 20 minutes and put him down to finish getting ready.
It's now 10:20 am and I began my day at 7am doing everything since 7 for the two boys. I'm still in my robe face unwashed and a list 3 pages long for me to complete without any help just today.
But while feeding Wells this morning I understood a beautiful thing.
Our children force us to live in the moment. We can't just do things on our own schedule. As I'm feeding Wells and its taking forever, I realize the bonding we are doing is priceless. He will not be this size for very long (even though he is 4 weeks old he is already in 3-6 month clothes). If I look at this season with a surrendered heart and Christ centered thinking rather than self centered thinking I'll see that this is a blessing. It doesn't matter that I have things to do around the house. My brand new baby needs me to feed him about 8 times in the day and it takes an hour to an hour and a half each feeding. I'm getting nothing done but I get to bond for the whole hour and a half with my baby boy that will grow up way too soon. At least I had those several feedings just him and I when he needed me, when he and I stared in each others eyes, I could memorize his face and he could learn mommas scent and voice and love for him.
In looking at the season that Dave and I are in I see a lot of work and a lack of time connecting with one another. I know that the truth is that this is a blessing for us. We surrender our time and the work he does daily, we know this is the path God has us on right now and we can rest and trust the Lord is doing something it.
I'm praying that we learn what we are supposed to in the moments. Just as I am forced in a blessing I wouldn't know to ask for with spending so much time feeding Wells, I know that God is doing something great in this season with Dave too. We are in a season of work but there is a blessing in it. Besides the blessing of having jobs and food and money to provide for our needs God is wielding a beautiful thing in the hearts between David and I. I am learning in the moments and thanking God them. We will look back on this season with fond memories and wish we could have these moments back.
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