Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Our Proof of Eternal Life

(a picture of my little man when all the rest of the world sleeps.)

2 cor 4:16-18
So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new everyday. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory. That glory is much greater than the troubles. So we set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time. But what we cannot see will last forever.

So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see. So I say that we have courage. And we really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord.

It was chilly in our room this morning when I finished nursing Wells Jake.  
At 5:00 am my eyes were heavy when I wrapped him in a swaddle that would soothe him back to sleep.
I looked at his sweet 4 week old face and kissed him again before plopping back onto my pillow.
I've known him for only 4 weeks and the ferocious love I have for him is beyond my own capacity. This is a love that comes from God's deep well in me I thought.
While studying his face he snorted out a large yawn with his tiny mouth. I grabbed my heart and swooned over his perfectness. I am in love.
My mind drifted a moment to Jake again.
I remembered his form at this very age. He slept in my parents room in his bassinet at 4 weeks old. My room was close and I could hear when he woke up in the middle of the night. I rushed to his side whenever I was awakened by his sweet cry. I remember wanting to feed him and change his diaper any moment he was awake. I was utterly in love with my baby brother. As I stare in awe at this sweet newborn God gave me, my Wells Jake, I cannot imagine losing him at 17 years old. It would destroy me if a man killed my son...I understand this misery from a perspective of a protective desperately in love big sister but as a mother I'm devastated again and again to think of my parents grief in losing Jake and losing him in the way they did.

But God whispered something in my heart this morning.
"Jake is not lost"

We did not loose our "Jakers".
I am reminded of a verse in 2 Corinthians.
"So we always have courage. We know that while we live in this body we are away from the Lord. We live by what we believe, not by what we can see. So I say that we have courage. And we really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord."
Jake is at home with the Lord right now. Paul tells us to have courage that while we are on earth we live by what we believe but when we die to life on earth we don't have to just believe, we will be living the promise God gave us not just believing it.

We actually have proof while here now that we have a greater destination. We have proof to accompany our faith that we are on our way somewhere and this is not our home.
God gave us something that is not physical. He gave us a gift that we cannot see but that is eternal. He has already given us a down payment of what is to come.
God has given us a spirit. A soul, and the holy spirit.
These unseen gifts are who we are. 
If a paralyzed person was asked if they consider their identity to be a cripple they would tell you no. Who they are is what is inside of them not what their body suffers.
If a beautiful woman is defined by her outer shell when she ages who is she then? If she is no longer beautiful because of her appearance then what is the meaning of her existence?
"Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new everyday."
Jake's body is no longer becoming older and weaker, his body has been shed and his spirit has entered into eternity with the Lord.
So when I say we lost Jake at 17, I should say Jake has graduated at 17. At 31 I am still on the path to graduation. 

Scientists of all belief systems will agree that humans have spirit. The spirit is our emotions and mind and sense of humor etc. 
Even the ones that believe in evolution cannot explain where the spirit came from. It did not crawl onto shore and grow a tail. It did not form in the "big bang". The spirit is unseen and it is the breath of God Himself. 
If the things that are unseen are eternal and the spirit and soul in us is unseen, we have eternity awaiting us. Our unseen gifts were not given by our own doing, and they were not granted from particles from the big bang. We all know we have a physical body that does not function without the spirit yet the spirit is unseen and cannot be weighed or measured...

"The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God."
God's Spirit confirms and is a witness to our spirit inside of us that we are His children and if His children then heirs and co-rulers. (romans 8:17) We have an eternal purpose and an exciting future awaiting our arrival into eternity.
Jake is apart of the welcome we will receive when we enter the beginning to the rest of eternity.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Flying home from Florida alone with a newborn and a 2 year old was not easy, but spending my 7 year anniversary without my beloved and the thought of possibly missing Christmas without him too was even more difficult.
Despite the thought that staying put in Florida with mom and dad until the trial scheduled for January, I followed my homesick heart back to Colorado to be with Dave for a family Christmas. Our first Christmas as a family of 4.
I was so determined to be at the trial for Jake and to support his life and my family that I trekked my brand new barely 2 week old and 2 year old across the country to be there by December 6th when the trial was supposed to begin.
The trial was postponed until January despite all the confirmations before traveling that the trial was indeed happening in Dec.

Dave and I have been in the fiery nucleus of change, promise, stress and turmoil in sowing seeds for our future. So when I returned home with expectations of spending time immersed in our love for one another in this exciting Christmas season with a brand new baby and our sweet Oscar, I was faced again with the reality of real life. Dave is currently working 2 full time jobs. His own business keeps him busy all week as well as his full time job at Ouray. His part time Masters program at Denver University keeps him studying and away as well as the application process to get into Harvard, Stanford or Wharton. Thankfully he is done with the GMAT studying. That was it's very own full time job.
I have just given birth to our second son as our first born has kept me busy chasing him about 20 miles a week at least.
We have paid off our debt of 60,000. Praise the Lord. We officially paid this off in September. And we are anticipating a move in July for Dave's MBA program.
The death of Jakey is ever looming over our each day as I'm grieving myself, saddened for my parents, casting anger onto my savior ,and drudging through the dark room of trials in just surrendering to the Lord in all of it. These life activities do not allow for much connecting time spent with your spouse no matter how much you want it.

I look to our future and say it will be more complete when we get to that point. Or when Dave is done with school and we can finally settle and not move states again, then we will have the opportunity to enjoy each other.

This morning it was taking forever to feed Wells. I had so much to do to prepare for our long day of Christmas preparations. Wells nursed for a long period of time then needed more food so I fed him the bottle and after an hour of feeding he still wanted to be held.
I wanted to feed him but not for so long. If it was up to me I would have fed him for 20 minutes and put him down to finish getting ready.
It's now 10:20 am and I began my day at 7am doing everything since 7 for the two boys. I'm still in my robe face unwashed and a list 3 pages long for me to complete without any help just today.

But while feeding Wells this morning I understood a beautiful thing.
Our children force us to live in the moment. We can't just do things on our own schedule. As I'm feeding Wells and its taking forever, I realize the bonding we are doing is priceless. He will not be this size for very long (even though he is 4 weeks old he is already in 3-6 month clothes). If I look at this season with a surrendered heart and Christ centered thinking rather than self centered thinking I'll see that this is a blessing. It doesn't matter that I have things to do around the house. My brand new baby needs me to feed him about 8  times in the day and it takes an hour to an hour and a half each feeding. I'm getting nothing done but I get to bond for the whole hour and a half with my baby boy that will grow up way too soon. At least I had those several feedings just him and I when he needed me, when he and I stared in each others eyes, I could memorize his face and he could learn mommas scent and voice and love for him.

In looking at the season that Dave and I are in I see a lot of work and a lack of time connecting with one another. I know that the truth is that this is a blessing for us. We surrender our time and the work he does daily, we know this is the path God has us on right now and we can rest and trust the Lord is doing something it.
 I'm praying that we learn what we are supposed to in the moments. Just as I am forced in a blessing I wouldn't know to ask for with spending so much time feeding Wells, I know that God is doing something great in this season with Dave too. We are in a season of work but there is a blessing in it. Besides the blessing of having jobs and food and money to provide for our needs God is wielding a beautiful thing in the hearts between David and I. I am learning in the moments and thanking God them. We will look back on this season with fond memories and wish we could have these moments back.

Monday, December 13, 2010


It is Dave and my anniversary today!
7 years married. 12/13/03
It is our anniversary today yet unfortunately we had to spend today seperated from one another.
Dave is in Colorado and I am still in Florida.
It's been a heavy two weeks for me as I've been at my parents house awaiting a trial and deep in the muck of grief before Christmas and the anniversary of Jake's death so for me to set that aside and ponder on the past 7 years has been near impossible today. I sought out several moments to think and pray for Dave and for our future and our family but there was not a moment to steal for the celebration of our 7 year journey together. I'm grateful we will have the opportunity to celebrate when I return and not here in the midst of the sadness my family and I feel with the trial hanging over our head.
God has surprised me in my marriage almost everyday.
I have been blessed to experience a oneness and intimacy with a human being that reflects a oneness and intimacy that God desires to have with me.
I have been swept off my feet and giddy in love with my groom and I have been dissappointed and hurt by my groom in our 7 years.
One thing God continually reminds me of is Dave is not my all in all. He is not to fulfill my needs only God Himself can fulfill me. I will be dissappointed every time if I dare look to Dave to be super human and expect him to be my everything. I first look to God for my needs, for my desires for my identity and my wholeness then and only then will I be satisfied with my relationship with Dave. Then I can find an intimacy that is so pure and deep with my spouse that it is so obviously blessed by God.  I will not bog Dave down with my expectations and rules and baggage.
Anyone that knows Dave and I knows that I am a feeler and He is a thinker.
Two of the most opposite personalities.
This got us into relational trouble quite a few times.
Being so opposite in our thinking has also brought some great material through the years to tease one another.
I look back on the trial times and wilderness times we have had in our marriage and I'm thankful to have learned through it. We know each other more intimately because of it.
In my relationship with Christ I see the wilderness times when I thought I was facing life alone or when the trials were heavy upon me, I see them as builders of faith.
If the hard times bring me closer to my beloved husband and deeper into Christ than I surrender to God's will for these uncomfortable times.

Psalm 104: 1-2
"Let all that I am praise the Lord. O Lord my God, how great you are! you are robed with honor and majesty. You are dressed in a robe of light. You stretch out the stary curtain of the heavens;"

Randomly I had a few words of encouragment I wanted to share before I close this post. I'm so tired and can't quite get out all that I wanted to on marriage but still wanted to share something I felt that I was supposed to share before closing.

God is uniquely purposful inside of you. His Word lives inside of you.
If you step back and give truth permission it will set you free.
The word that God used to speak the universe into existence continues to explode new life through Christ in you.
We are God's children and we have His glory inside of us.
Living through trials and hardships is time lived in the wilderness. You experience a depth of intimacy with Christ that would not be revealed in you while in comfort. The wilderness time is a time to fast, pray, seek God's wise council and to be still and trust the Lord in humility.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Hearing in Florida

a picture naples daily news took of us entering the court room

Oscar Wells and I traveled to Florida last week to attend a long coming trial for the murder of my baby brother Jake. We were told to be in court on the 6th of December for the trial to convict the shooter but when we arrived the morning of the 6th, the Judge informed us that the trial will be set for January.
What did take place in court was a hearing for the defense. The defense attorney was asking for the trial to be dismissed on self defense. It was a joke to sit and listen to the defense attonrey try to paint a picture of this man shooting Jake in the back who was running away from a man with a gun to be self defense. 2 hours of witnesses later and the judge saw that there was no way he was going to grant a dismissal. With that behind us we are  now praying for this trial in January.