When the kids are asleep

I write this post with peanut butter smeared sleeves, a crayon propped atop my ear, bible in one hand and decaf sugar free instant coffee in the other. Finally, Oscar's nap time and I have a few moments to race through the house cleaning, a chance to brush my teeth and make myself look human. Yet usually at about this time something stops me from my small opportunity to accomplish these chores. It's the familiar prodding of the Holy Spirit calling me to reflect and seek the heart of my beloved Jesus.

But these days as the rare silence falls it's not the still small voice that stops the course but the swelling sting growing from stomach to throat. Thoughts of Jakey are loud and clear. A void without him is mocking me at a louder volume.  Jake is with the Lord, I tell myself. He is enjoying dangerously amazing adventures, peace, unimaginable fun and joy.
This does help during the day while I'm taking care of the family but it doesn't cut through the sting and pain that creeps up when the silence falls.
So while Oscar sleeps, I do not hurry to clean the house and I do not attempt to put my appearance in order... No, I fall at the feet of Jesus. Have mercy on me Lord I cry. I miss my baby brother. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (job 1:21)
Job praised God even though all the hardships that fell on him were crippling emotionally, and physically.
I came into this world with nothing but in the years have gained loved ones. Jake was one of those irreplaceable loves in my life and the Lord saw fit to bring Him home.

Well, praise God. My life was more blessed by having the time I did with him and as I live in eternity my relationship with Jakers will grow even deeper from our time on earth into our time in Heaven with each other. Relationships will continue and will blossom.
One thing I'm learning through suffering on earth is that in the time of pain, I don't run to Jesus but He has run to me already. He is in it with me. He embraces me, keeps my tears in his bottle, (psalm 56:8) He doesn't come and go but He draws near to me holds me and stays with me.
He in me and I in Him we are one and in the pain, life is not lived a moment without Him.
The Lord never leaves us nor forsakes us and is among us and in us as we suffer.
Looking back on the moments when I fall to my knees at Jesus feet in anguish over Jake's death, I see with more clarity now.
I know that the act of falling is literally the physical reaction to the fact that I cannot go on. It's like an awareness to myself that I'm not doing anything without Christ's strength in me.
I'm not doing anything alone. While on my knees I feel Jesus on His knees holding me, lifting me up to take one more step closer, even deeper in Him.
Without pain, I do not have these intimate opportunities to completely trust and surrender and to therefore gain the whole universe in Him.
One thing about pain is that it's a secret blessing. We won't see the full picture until the fullness of time, in the mean time I trust you Lord Jesus.