Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Toward the Center

Christ being the center of everything created and being the glue that holds everything together is the center of our very own existence. He is the center of us. Christ is in the center of me and He is the center of me. As I surrender my death for His life in me (Romans 8: ) I am releasing the power of God almighty in me. I recognize that at the center of who i am is ~ I AM.  He is I AM...I AM God, I AM love, I AM omniscient, I AM everlasting...I AM is at the center of little me.
As I recognize this I move towards the center and I notice in this process that the Lord is gradually purifying me of all that is not of Him. I have done nothing but recognize that Christ is in the center of me and I experience His blessings, His glory, His life.

This is living before the Lord. When we turn from our "natural man" the flesh and surrender to the spirit, our spirit where God dwells, it is here in the center of us that we stand before the throne, listen to the heartbeat of God and become familiar with His voice, His laugh, His will...

God within us is like a magnet. He is always drawing us toward Himself.
An intimate relationship with your spouse requires oneness emotionally and physically.
An intimate relationship with our loving creator requires a oneness emotionally surrendering to His will and physically surrendering to His life in us.

"Jesus Christ is the great magnet of your soul, but of your soul only. He will not draw the impurities and the mixtures that are mingled with it. Any such impurities prevent His full power of attraction." Jean Guyon

If you are bogged down with tons of pride or material desire, possessions or anything else, this attraction is seriously hindered by your own doing. Many christians have such a tight grip on earthly wants they make a snails pace towards the center.

Allow everything to drop:
In nature we see that if you drop a stone it will return to it's original source. It falls right back to the ground. Fire and water always seek to return to their original centers as well. Our soul also tends to fall towards it's proper center, which is God. The soul needs no other source to pull it than the weight of love.
We do not do anything but allow His life to do the work in us. I surrender to your life your will your pull Oh Lord!  God is the divine energy drawing you towards Him. When He is completely unhindered you will see more than the fruits of the spirit, you will see and live and experience I AM in you and His life will give your flesh life which will give permission to the unsearchable riches of Christ!
I cease my will my "power" my all to you Lord that you can fully possess me.
I ask that I can totally surrender to Your divine will.
I turn within and dwell in YOUR spirit Lord.
We must remain faithful in humbly withdrawing our hearts from the world and all it's distractions and form a habit of continually returning to God who is our center.

(I've learned so much through Michael Wells and Jean Guyon.
I'm so thankful for their hearts after God and their surrendered lives and wills to the Lord.
God has revealed many truths through them.)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Fresh Wind

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."
When I read this verse a picture comes to mind.
I see many rooms in my mind. I see closed doors. Some rooms I'm familiar with. Some I didn't even know where there. Some rooms have no light streaming in. Dark rooms with dust and even darker corners. I have no idea what is in the corners of some of these rooms in my mind.
I can see Christ standing outside a door of a particular room. He has just knocked.
If I open the door to His invitation to come into that room and join me His light will come with Him and all the corners and unknown's will be exposed. I can choose to allow Him in some rooms and maybe not all rooms. He has given me free will to allow His freeing light of truth to enter all corners and rooms in my life...in my mind. Yet I want to surrender my all to Him.
Sins in my life lurk in these rooms hiding from the light and truth and exposure of the Lord. 
Some sins have entered my life through my own doing and I've forgotten about them and they hide very well in the dark rooms with the shut doors. 
Satan likes to hide here.
He hides because if he stood in the light I would recognize him. Jesus knows where he is hiding in my life and He knocks at my doors waiting for me to open the door and let Him in. He will enter the room bringing His light, the truth and the power and the Way. He enters into me with my permission and exposes what is hiding and lurking there to devour me.
The truth sets me free. Christ is the truth.
In the mornings with this picture in mind I surrender every part of my life, my will, my day, my thoughts, my time to the Lord asking for His life in exchange for my death. I ask that He enter every room in my mind and shed His truth and light to every part of me I ask that He sweep through and open the windows and allow His light to shine.

The Lord revealed this picture to me yet tonight He has brought me to a deeper truth in this thought.

While at my friend's house today I learned a pearl of wisdom.
She said that God has revealed to her His goodness and beauty right where she is. She said she doesn't have to live on the coast of california's rugged beach cliffs or live in the valley of a beautiful mountain peak to enjoy God's beautiful creation. God tilted her head with his gentle love the other week and opened her understanding to the picture He painted for her in the sky above her head. Where ever she goes God has created a new glory right above her, minute by minute and day by day He has given her a new crown, His creation, right above her. It is a gift to her from Him. 
"His mercies are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness"  lamentations 3:22-23
He is so creative and thoughtful to give us this special gift. I'm thankful He's revealed it to her to share with us.

As I lay in bed late tonight thinking about this new truth, Dave opened our bedroom window. A fresh wind burst through sweeping over my body filling the room with a sweet aroma from an all day rain, wet earth, flowers from the flowering trees and a ring of chilly ripples.
What God spoke to my heart was this: Just as the wind did not hesitate before entering through the open window, I do not hesitate before entering into you. 
He does not wait to rescue us. He does not stall before freeing us. He loves us so much He enters into us faster than the wind can burst through an open window.  God wants to fill us with His presence and with that His blessings and goodness.
It is good to clean house, asking God to reveal all the things in your life that are not of His life. Asking God to enter every room of your mind and life. Giving Him access to every part of you and surrendering all to Him. I do not want satan to be in any part of my journey. I only want Christ's life. 
God I open the door for you to enter into me and to sit and have supper with me in every part of my life. I am yours. 
Every door belongs to you.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Heartfelt Selfishness

I've been so sick I haven't been able to write on the blog for some time.
This 9 week old baby in me is stripping me of strength and health.
I'm thankful for new life and grieving the loss of Jake's life at the same time.
I miss Jake yet he is now truly living. His death was his graduation into an eternal purposeful life.

The other day I walked to the park with Oscar. It was a pretty chilly day, not many people around. As we approached the play ground I noticed the only people there were about 8 college age guys throwing a football right by the swings.
I could hear all their conversations wether I wanted to or not.

My first observation was their self centeredness. Everything they talked about had to do with either promoting themselves, edifying their needs or making fun of someone else that wasn't like them.
I couldn't help but think of the verse 1 Corinthians 14:20 "Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature"

These guys had no understanding of the realities of life. I could clearly see their immaturity from what they said. Luke 6:45  "For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Their mouth was speaking and from it came heartfelt selfishness.

When we are young we are naturally self centered. As we mature we hopefully gain understanding that we are not the center of the universe. We gain more understanding as we grow and learn that actually Christ is the center of all and we are to surrender to His will, His life, His plan not ours. Life can take a lot of time for some to reach even this truth. 

Those guys have a lot to learn! I couldn't even begin to explain it to them if they asked me to. Only God can reveal these things. 
If I walked over there and began to explain the facts of living for God's glory they wouldn't be ready to hear it and they couldn't get it unless God revealed it to them.
I was baffled in listening to them and then more baffled at the thought that they obviously do not know their foolishness. What truths do I not know yet? What truths have I not been ready to receive yet? What foolishness in me is obvious to the Lord?
What I've learned in this is that I'm vulnerable to living out my own pride, my own wisdom, my own heartfelt selfishness. I can so easily say, I've got it from here Lord and therefore miss out on all the beautiful truths that set a person free! 

Am I making any sense? 
We can think we might know a whole lot as teenagers often will tell you or as those college guys think. "I'm here to satisfy myself" was the obvious tone of their hearts. I can easily think I know what to do in my walk with God and go on autopilot. But I'm still here on earth because I still have a lot to learn before I'm fit for eternity. I've still got a whole lot of me to shed and Christ life to surrender to before I understand anything about life.

God forgive me for being foolish. Replace me with you. I surrender my desires for your desires, my thoughts for your thoughts, my plans for your steps.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


This is an incredible teaching from Mike Wells.
I've just copied it from his recent missions journal we received in the mail.

It comforts me in reading it to think that God revealed to Jake all that he needed to know in order to be fit for eternity with Him before God took Jake from us.

Romans 7: 18-20
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh, for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me."

Revelation does not come through effort; it will come through life and can take years to arrive. Revelation can never be forced; it is an outgrowth of our lives in a fallen body and in a fallen world. Revelation comes in the fullness of time; therefore, time is essential, and the longer one lives, the more revelation he will receive. Many exit at an early age, having been given the revelation that is needed for a move from this reality to THE reality. Life with a small "I" is the future for life to prepare us for what Life would teach us. In the fullness of time, we will receive what we would not have received at an earlier time. There is no need to be frustrated and make silly comments like, "I wish I would have known that sooner." At a sooner time we could not have received it and would not have "known" it. This planet and our lives are not made up of random experiences. This world is the womb in which the things of God are made known to us, and just as a baby is methodically formed in the womb of the mother, the the child of God is methodically formed in the womb of the world.  God is the God of order, not of chaos; therefore everything comes in order. To say, "If only I had known this sooner" is assuming that "knowing" is what has made the change in us. Rather, it was revelation. Knowledge can come at any time, and yet revelation must come at the fullness of time as our "time" on earth prepares the way. "if only I could go back and make different decisions!" Well, if we could go back, we would be the same persons that we were back then, and we would make the same decision. However, such a statement does reveal that we have grown, and the new persons that we are today would never have made such decisions. We have mentioned before that there are journey people and destination people. As believers we need to accept that we are all on a journey and enjoy the journey. in the fullness of time, God is teaching us. We cannot process cannot be hurried, then we must accpt the way of things on the earth and rest in Him. The Holy Spirit will bring the revelation, His teaching that moves from head to heart in the fullness of time.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Was I Made for This?

As a stay at home mom I can get wrapped up in thoughts about what I should be doing in the world for God. I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not out of the home involved in some kind of ground moving ministry. What is the purpose of my day to every day life as I fumble through 13 hours of day light just trying to keep Oscar fed and the house presentable enough to live in.
Sure I think raising Oscar is important but I should be raising him AND accomplishing some sort of feed the poor feat or raising money for helping woman in India or Africa.
But as I fight against where God has me I'm fighting against a purposeful plan He is designing in me.

Somehow I suspect the plan, my ministry being designed in me is for eternity and not for my time on earth.
What I'm learning is that when I abide in the vine (john 15:5) or when I abide in Christ and allow His life to flow through me even when I'm cleaning toilets I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I don't have to search for my purpose or for something to make me significant. God is the purpose in me and He is signifiant. He is doing a great thing in me in my everyday mundane chores. He is creating a purity in me while I loose myself in my "unimportant" daily changing diapers and boiling pasta.
"It is so different when it comes to Joy in Abiding. It does not come in through our search. It is a gift by virtue of being IN as part of the very source of Joy, the True Vine." mike wells
Jesus ministry started when he was 30 years old.
For 30 years the son of God walked past the crippled man on his way to his father's workshop. He did not heal from what we know he did not preach and He did not do great wonders and miracles.
God was meeting Him in His everyday life. His everyday chores God spoke to Jesus heart and their relationship deepend. I believe my ministry will begin in eternity. God is deepening our relationship, He is working out Himself in me through me while I work at the things I think are unimportant. He is developing an awareness in me that He is I Am~ and~ i am not.
My name is I am not. His name is I AM.

In whatever I am doing because I am abiding in the vine, shouldn't I be at peace and full of joy that God chose for me this day to stay in the house all day, to clean poopy diapers, to vaccum the mudroom three times a day after Oscar's escapades and to meet Jesus in the bathroom where I pull toys, toilet paper rolls, toothbrushes and makeup out of the toilet?
Somehow I have a hard time connecting between a purposeful life and my everyday chores.

While trusting God and His plans in me I've noticed something...
It is on my knees scrubbing lipstick off the kitchen floor that Jesus is revealed. A proud heart is exposed, a broken heart is revealed, a truth is known.. It is when I clean up after everyone in the house again and again that Jesus life fills every fiber in my body and comforts me that greater things are yet to come.
It is only here with my sleeves rolled up and my shirt over my nose while picking up Marty's "accident" that I can recognize that I have nothing to offer God except His son in me. And thank you Lord that I have Jesus in me to live for me, in me, through me.
It is not I but Christ in me the hope of glory. 
My ministry, my purpose is in Christ, He's working it all out for eternity.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A Full Surrender

Losing Jake on January 1st was the most devastating blow I cannot physically survive once more. But everyday my family and I have to survive it over and over again. Jake is still not here, he was still shot and killed a few months ago and he is still not walking through the front door of my parents house after school.
We still cannot gather him in our arms and squeeze him until all the pain melts away into a physical reality of his being with us again.
I woke up this morning with Jake heavy on my heart, the memory of his death, the way he died and the finality and loss of his beautiful life. I tried to get up on my own.
I looked around my messy house and sat paralyzed with heartbreak for my Jakers, new pregnancy neasuea and hormones in full effect and somehow I felt forgotten.
Where is God? 'Where are you Lord?' Is He coming to get us or what? Do I have to live with this unfathomable heartbreak for the rest of my life? Do I have to watch my parents grieve the loss of their baby for 50 more years? 'Are you coming Lord?' Aren't we done suffering now? Not just my family but all those horrible things we know happens in this sinful world.
It is at this moment in my morning that I realize I can't sleep off the grief today or any day. I have to be a mother to Oscar. I have to be a wife to Dave.

Once again I surrender my day to Jesus. I surrender my will my strength my understanding my grief and pregnancy illness for Christ life. I exchange my death for Jesus life. I said 'LORD take this unbearable weight from me I want to miss Jake but I can't survive today like this. Live in me through me for me today.' I can only think in the moment for survival. One cannot get out of bed with that kind of pain. I didn't ask the Lord for blessings or for financial peace. I didn't ask for anything but His life... so God once again lifted the bulk of my burden this morning. I can attend to Oscar right now in this moment because of His life. I can brush my teeth get ready for the day and lift my head up enough to be a good mother and wife because of His life. I do not have the capacity to do anything but lean on Christ and allow His life to flow through me.
I'm completely resting on Jesus. This isn't how I've lived in the past in my walk with God but now I'm starting to see that a full surrender means all of christ and none of me. I give Jesus the credit today that anything was accomplished or done because I know I did not have the capacity to get out of bed let alone do anything for our family.
That must be what surrender is. Not relying on our own strength and knowledge and wisdom during just one day or just ONE moment. It's completely and fully surrendering every part of us to Jesus who already lives in us. Lord, today I exchange my death for your life. I'm still anxiously waiting the Lord's return but I'll continue to surrender in the mean time.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A Dream I Had

I'm going to share with you a dream I had not too long ago.
I had this dream about a month after Jake was shot.
I was at my parent's house on this night.
I remember while dreaming this night I heard hymns sung most the night in my sleep or in my dreams. I do not know the words to hymns but in my dreaming all the words to every hymn I heard was clear.
Then a hymn started"Oh Lord thy God, when I in awesome wonder, consider all the world thy hands have made...." It is at this part in the song that Jake walked out to me with a half smile on his face and his arms open for a hug as he walked towards me.
He embraced me and held me strong and tight. as he hugged me I started to weep uncontrollably. My body shook from weeping and still he held me steadfast and strong. I remember the strength of his arms around me was comforting. I began to pull on his back with my hands. I kept grabbing his back and pulling the skin as hard as I could making sure he was physical and really there with me all the while he held me and still I wept. I pulled on him until he spoke a bible verse and it calmed me completely. I remember that his voice was not as a 17 year old immature voice but a wise deep and comforting voice, a voice of knowledge.
He spoke to me a bible verse and it immediately encouraged and calmed me but I cannot remember the verse! I've prayed that God would remind me of this verse but I still do not know. It was something that was for that moment and not for now.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Only His Death

October 29, 2009 by Mike Wells
“For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit.” I Peter 3:18
I begin every morning the same way, “Thank You, Jesus, that You are my separation from God, and therefore I can never be separated from Him.” It is a beautiful revelation. His mercies are new every morning! Every morning! Christ was my separation and that settles it all. I have often heard it taught that it should have been me hanging on the cross and not Jesus, but here is the problem. Let us assume that it was me hanging on the cross for my own sins; how can a sinner bear his own sin? Had it been me and not Him, nothing would have happened to elevate my sins. Thousands were crucified for their sins; Jesus had a thief on both sides. One was invited into paradise by Jesus, but not because the thief suffered for his own sins. The thief’s death on a cross did nothing to redeem him, but rather it was his recognition of Christ that redeemed him. My point is that if Christ had not taken my sins on the cross, then going to the cross myself would have accomplished nothing. In this regard it was a substitution, for if I refuse the substitution, I might die on a cross but I could never be a sacrifice for my sins; I would have a just death for my sins. What Jesus did was wonderful. Being sinless and blameless, He was actually able to take my sin out of me, have it placed on Him, and then become a substitution that redeemed me and set me free. His was the only death that could have accomplished such a feat, and He did it for all men. This is not religious dogma but faith in the Son of God who has loved me and was delivered up for me. Today we say, “Thank You that because of the cross, that because You were my separation from God, that because You took my sins upon yourself, I have no obstacle with God. I will be heard today, helped today, shown compassion today, and You will treat me as David, a man after Your heart that will do all of Your will. All because of You, Jesus!” Amen, what a confidence.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Father, Son, Holy Spirit and Me

When I read that title I kinda feel like that geek in high school that puts their arms around the "cool" crowd and sticks their head in the middle and says 'Here I am'.
But with the Father and the Son I didn't have to tag along and put myself in the middle of the three. God fashioned me to be ONE with His Son, the very apple of God's eye. God the Son and the Holy Spirit are the main factors of all of existence and eternity, they are more than the most amazing omniscient powerful source we can fathom and when we walk around in God's royal robes of righteousness that we don't deserve...we won't just stick our heads in the middle of the entities of all eternity and look cool, we'll be one with the entities as family, bride and heirs. WE are more than cool!  God invited us to be His Son's bride and Christ our groom is so intimately in love with us He died for us to be with Him... (there will be more in Heaven than just the bride of christ, there will be "creatures and principalities and powers and mights" etc. so we are the royalty over all that in Christ)

Can you imagine the love the Father has for His Son?
I cannot comprehend it but I can imagine the love I have for my son Oscar.
When God created us He fashioned a bride for His Son.
He said "let us make man in our image." He and the Son worked together. They connected and bonded in making their most treasured creation in their intimate relationship. God and Son created the Son's bride.

In my adoration and love for my son Oscar I can get jealous and carried away when I think of a day he brings home his future bride.
He won't look to me anymore as the center of his universe. I will no longer be the one to nurture him through pain and heartbreak.
He will have the love of his life and he will no longer need to give me his full attention.

When God created us as His children and His Son's bride He knew what it would mean.
He created a bride for His Son and called us children even though He knew we would betray His Son.  

He knew we would sin against the holiness of His Son. It doesn't feel good when someone hurts our children. It hurts even more when we love the person that hurt us.

Now can you imagine the love the Father has for us?

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31
God made us to cleave to His Son. We are one with Christ and He prepares a place for us and we leave and cleave to Him alone. 
Jesus left His Heavenly home, the comforts of His Father's house and came to earth to be with His bride.
He died for us, rose from the dead, forgave us for all sins ever committed by His bride and now is one flesh with us. He left His Father's house and cleaves to us. The intimacy between bride and groom would mirror the intimacy between father and son.
A bond unmeasurable.

Not only does the Father love us for His Son, despite our sin and ugliness, He loves us because of who He made us. He loves each and everyone of us individually uncomprehendably perfectly for just who we are.
God says to us "I've always loved you."
We bring nothing to offer Him except His Son in us. 
God sees His Son in us and Jesus sees His Father in us. We are the result of their love for each other and Christ death on the cross is the result of their love for us.