Here We Go Part 2!

Above is a picture from Hubble space telescope.

It's a picture of an entire galaxy 28 million light years away!!!

(And you know how big a galaxy is) Basically in front of us is a whole other universe. Here is just one of millions of these galaxies that we know of.

I sat blankly watching Jake's favorite t.v. program when the Lord poured a pitcher of knowledge over my head, the awareness of things completely unknown to me before began to unfold into my soul. I jolted off the couch and headed straight for my parents room. I barged in, sat on their bed and exclaimed "You will not BELIEVE what the Lord just told me!" I didn't really know how else to put it.

It was so unexpected, I wasn't praying, I wasn't thinking about anything when the Lord said in my heart...  "what if when I said ~The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed, all of creation has been groaning as in the pains of child birth...what if I didn't mean just the creation that you can see."             (romans 8:19 and 22)

I heard it just like that.

You would think that would be really confusing and it's two separate versus put together and how would I get anything from it out of the blue and with no reference. BUT God did the talking and the Holy Spirit did the explaining in me. I had the knowledge or the discernment of what it meant and all the neat aspects in a second flash! It was the Holy Spirit that explained it to my spirit!

HOBOY! I'll try to explain! (I say it like that because my lack of writing skills can really get in the way of the truth)

(Lord your words not mine. Your son glorified.)

Weeks before Jake was killed the Lord told me "Jake does not know the magnitude of his existence." At the time I took that as a really neat encouragement from the Lord to share with Jake during a time that he needed to know his importance and his place in the world because of Jesus and Jesus glory and Jesus life in him.

Well, God was telling me on that couch that, YES, the earth is in travail and the animals and mammals of the sea and creatures He has created are all moaning and groaning (under the weight of our sin) and waiting for us the sons of God to finally be revealed as God's children, for us to be taken up with Christ given our glorified bodies, sitting with Christ with our enemies under our feet. 

BUT - NOT ONLY is the earth obviously in pain waiting for the curse to be lifted, but ALL of creation or as the bible says "The whole of creation" is waiting.

In other words, all the creating God has been doing from times past, present and future...

How long has God been creating? 

All the creation He has fashioned is eagerly waiting.      FOR US!

First of all, what an honor to be the children and not mere beautiful glorifying massive and strong principalities and powers... but the children..we are the children out of all all the millions of years of creating -  we are it, we are the big deal in Christ.

How long has He been around creating? AND we are His "sons"?!! We are His children?!! Not the massive and impressive angels that give Him glory every moment of their existence, but we were chosen to be His heirs and co rulers and children?  WE don't even know the creatures and principalities and mights He has fashioned. 

The glory that His creation gives is more than just what we see. Think of what is out there in our own universe that we can't even understand or get close to let alone the worlds and universes and creatures that are in existence, that are His creation out there somewhere in His created glory, and yet WE are His children. We as He told us are royalty and all the creation knows it and is in "labor pains" waiting for the curse to be lifted and for us to be robed and crowned and given rewards and honor because of Jesus. 

God gave His son us, as a love gift. We are the main course. Jesus and the Father's love has produced US His children. (of course I know we are the main course and royalty and anything special because of Jesus life in us:)

(this will be explained further in part 3 but think of the "magnitude" now.)

God wasn't sitting around doing nothing before our earth and universe were created... He created other "things?" to give Him glory but we are His only children..

As it is written in Ephesians 1:18-23 

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."

I would say read that again and again surrendering to God's out of the box hugeness to open your heart to the fullness of the meaning in those versus!  AAAAAMAZING! GOD IS AWESOME!

When picturing our loved ones in Heaven we can imagine the millions of years of creation and creatures and "powers etc.. bowing down as our loved one walks by, the crowds of God's many creatures some so big you cannot see their face some with 4 heads as the angels in revelation, some we cannot imagine all bowing down before the heir, the co-ruler with Christ that walks by, and our loved one doesn't say, yes I deserve it, NO, they point to Jesus and say "it is not me it's JESUS, you have no idea what a sinner I am"...life on earth has given us the deeper understanding of God's goodness for all of eternity. My Jake is all the more eager to praise Jesus and not take the glory because he recognizes that he is not a child and heir because he deserves it, but rather because of God's goodness, Jesus love for him and Jesus blood shed for him.... Can you picture the mass, the crowd the trillions of cheering fans for the saints? ALL THIS in part 3 too long to go into now but just a glimpse here.

I have a few more spots of the revelation that need to be written in a part 3.

Praise God! I pray some of that made sense. Give me one more part to get it all out.

Here We Go!

magnitude: great importance or consequence


The Lord spoke a truth into my heart a few months ago that encouraged me more than anything else I've ever understood in my life. My desire has been to share it with you but the thought of typing it all out in a legible way seems almost impossible for me. I've kept myself from even attempting it yet here I am starting the process already. I'll break it up into a couple parts. 


Part 1


Last year I prayed and fasted earnestly for two things.
1. My three brothers
2. for the revelation of Christ and His truth in me, and through me.


About two weeks before Jake was shot I was praying for him while Dave was at school. My heart was heavy, I was on my knees, face to the floor when I heard the Lord say "Jake does not know the magnitude of his existence."
I sat up excited about what I just heard and immediately wrote it down in my journal.
I thought "wow that is so neat!" I couldn't wait to tell Jake the next day. He needed the encouragement.
I left a message for him on the answering machine at home and I texted him saying we needed to talk as soon as he could get away. My parents had a ton of family in town and Jake was consumed with cousins so we played phone tag a few times but I wasn't too worried since I would get to tell him as soon as our family left. The very night our family left for their long drive back home Jake went out with some friends, it was January 1st, 2010 and he was shot and killed that very night.
I was never able to tell him.
A few days after the funeral I asked the Lord why He would tell me something so special for Jake knowing I would never be able to tell him.
He said "Jake now knows. The truth was given for you."
So..Jake is right in the middle of it, learning the truths of God and seeing the very magnitude of his own existence in the glory of God, and God told me so that we could hold on to that truth after Jake's death? God knew this would be a comfort to me. 
Well that was enough for me.
Weeks later I was still with my parent's in FL. I was sitting on their sofa watching t.v. My mind completely blank, I wasn't praying or thinking. I was just numb and watching one of Jake's favorite programs, C.O.P.S. 
As I watched police chasing the bad guys on t.v. the only way I can describe what happened is that God took a full pitcher overflowing with "a knowledge" and poured it over my head. I saw flashes of a beautiful truth unfold in my mind.


God began to open my eyes to an even deeper meaning to His statement to me about Jake weeks before.
The beautiful revelation that God gave me about Jake weeks before suddenly became an immeasurably deeper description of Heaven and God's love for us.


I will continue in part 2 as this next part of the revelation takes a lot of energy and time to type out.

Practicing the Presence of Christ

THis was so good I had to pass it along:

 Exactly how do we "turn on" our receivers and "tune in" to God? The answer is what the ancients, and specifically Brother Lawrence, referred to as "practicing the presence of Christ." That is, developing a conscious and habitual communion with the person of Christ in such a way that we slowly drop the habit of merely talking to him and slowly embrace the habit of being with him. Over time our relationship with him begins to take on the dynamic language of intimacy: we share a meal at a table for just two, we exchange glances and secret expressions of love, we return each embrace with one of our own, we dance the night away in each others' arms, we take turns playing the roles of pursuer and pursued, for we both love to find the other and to be found by the other.

 
I'm convinced that it is possible to practice the presence of God in all facets of life, even in the most routine and mundane moments. Once our spiritual sense organs begin to function in a robust manner, everything we encounter becomes spiritual. No longer is there a sacred-secular dichotomy. Christ is present with us when we pull an all-nighter preparing for an important presentation, or when we clean our kitchen floors for the third time that day, or when we cool down from our physical workout, or when we throw our graduation caps in the air, or when we cut our wedding cake, or when we cut the umbilical chord in the delivery room, or when we pace the floor through a sleepless night, or when we grimace at the number of gray hairs going down the shower drain, or when we exhale our final breath. The merely secular becomes the profoundly spiritual when the focus of our heart becomes essentially eternal. Tozer sums it up nicely, "A spiritual kingdom lies all about us, enclosing us, embracing us, altogether within reach of our inner selves, waiting for us to recognize it. God Himself is here waiting for our response to His presence."  

He gets practical about practicing the presence of Christ when he says that, "This eternal world will come alive to us the moment we begin to reckon upon its reality." But first he wants us to understand what he means by reckon and reality. He begins with the word reality. Reality as Tozer defines it is "that which has existence apart from any idea any mind may have of it, and which would exist if there were no mind anywhere to entertain a thought of it. That which is real has being in itself. It does not depend upon the observer for its validity."  

It is obvious that in this day and age, that definition has become the minority view. We can observe the denial of objective reality in the Pantheistic foundations of Buddhism, or in the philosophical underpinnings of the Enlightenment, or in the various New Age pseudo-religions, as well as in the current postmodern trends. It no longer elicits a raised eyebrow when someone declares that something is real only as it exists in the mind of someone. Having removed all the absolute points in the universe, the relativists are free to arbitrarily pick any point from which to start, and from which the relative truth of anything can be determined. 

 

And what do these relativists think of us Christians? Tozer describes them as those who, ". . . smile down upon us from their lofty intellectual peaks and settle us to their own satisfaction by fastening upon us the reproachful term ‘absolutist.'" By that term they mean to convey contempt toward our naïve commitment to something that doesn't change. They loathe our prehistoric view that truth claims must be either right or wrong. But the ultimate insult for them is not just that we believe that something is absolute, but that we believe that Someone is absolute - that God is the unchanging center of all that is real and from which everything and everyone derives meaning and reality.  

Ultimately for the Christian, all things that we see are anchored in the unchanging character and nature of God. He is not relative to us (i.e., open to being defined any way we choose), and he is not a relativist (i.e., arbitrarily defining his universe anyway he chooses). That which God is, he is absolutely. He is absolutely good. He is absolutely beautiful. He is absolutely holy. And therefore, what God created is absolutely defined by him. That is, because he is absolutely good, that which he creates derives its goodness from him. And because he is absolutely beautiful, that which he creates derives its beauty from him. And because he is absolutely holy, that which he creates must derive its standard of right and wrong behavior from him. 

 

In fact, the absolute nature of reality is so deeply built into the universe that no one can consistently live without acknowledging it. To hold a view which says, "What is true for you is not true for me" may sound appealing in the abstract, but when your banker tells you that your checking account is overdrawn by thirty thousand dollars, try convincing her that, "That's true for you but not for me." The patent absurdity of the view becomes obvious to all. The God of the universe does not change and therefore has ordered reality in such a way that no one can escape its gravitational pull. Therefore, in God's world we find that every heart seeking to worship him does not begin by creating the object of its worship. Rather God begins by creating us as objects of his affection and then seeks us out and bids us come and worship him. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the present past and present future of this moment. And only when we submit to that reality do we discover the truth concerning ourselves, our world, and him.

 

After nailing down the meaning of reality, Tozer proceeds to define the word reckon. The word comes from the field of accounting and means to "regard something as true." Having laid a foundation that sees reality as absolute, you are ready to begin ordering your behavior around that reality. In Romans 6, the Apostle Paul uses the word reckon in telling every Christian to, " . . . reckon yourself to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus." That is, you begin to order your mind around the fact that you are no longer held captive by sin, but are now free to pursue God and his righteousness. The act of reckoning is totally independent of how you feel, or what your immediate or past circumstances tell you, or what you hope will become true for you if you just act. Thus we see that its meaning is light-years away from the notion of pretending as if something were true so that you can make it true for you. Rather, it is intentionally embracing a truth that you know to be actually true. Reckoning is related to faith in that faith creates nothing; it simply reckons upon that which is already there.  

THE SIMPLICITY OF QUIET SERVICE

Anger in Love

I've been thinking about something. In John 2:13-21 Jesus gets angry that they turn his father's house into a market. I think He's angry because He sees something they could not see.
The truth.
The clear truth that day was that those men were being deceived and corrupted through the sin some may not have even been aware of.  Those money changers and those selling doves were not only destroying themselves through their sin but they were bringing others to corruption with them.
The temple is for worship, trusting, surrendering, praising...
Jesus was angry not at them but for them. their sin was destroying them. He was angry in love.
The temple of God which now is us, our body, is for the same thing. Worship, trust, surrender, praising....

There is someone in my life that is very toxic and destructive to my loved ones. I can clearly see how this person hurts themselves and the people that I love so much. Even though my loved ones cannot see the destruction that is upon them because of this one individual. It makes me angry and not at them but for them.
My first reaction is protection for my loved ones and there have been times that I have tried to clean out the temple. I've tried to kick her out of our sacred temple. Our holy worship and daily surrender to the Lord has been interrupted for foolish sinful behavior because of this persons existence in our "home". In our "temple". I wish I could be more specific.
I've thrown the tables and confronted this person in truth with a furious sadness and rage of the sin she has brought into our home and the destruction she has brought onto my loved ones (whom have allowed her in).

My anger though is not coming from a place of wanting justice or revenge. The anger I can tell you has genuinely been anger for her and for my family. Anger for the loved ones that have allowed this sin to hurt them. Anger in love. Love that says "I SEE SOMETHING HERE" You are destroying yourself and my precious loved ones in the process.  I want to yell as Jesus did. "GET OUT OF HERE"
The kicker is that my loved ones do not see the truth. They are allowing her into their lives they are sugar coating the truth of the severity and they are thinking that they are loving her but they are supporting destruction, deceit, corruption and a foothold for satan in their "home".
I've been on the chair shouting out "GET THIS SIN OUT OF OUR HOME"

Our body is a place of worship and oneness with Christ... when I see it being destroyed by the sin of this toxic person I get angry for her and angry for my loved ones.
I see the truth but my words are going unheard. I'm sick of satan lurking in the corners of my loved one's lives through this person and what she brings to our home.
I want to clean house and kick her out for her own good and the good of those I love. Jesus kicked out the money changers and the others for their own good the good of the temple and the love of His father and those that were being hurt by the sin.

Experiencing the God of All Comfort

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

Once again I cried myself to sleep a few nights ago during this time of grieving with my parents and brothers and family. I was crying out to the Lord for relief and peace and for Him to come and finally take us home. I had an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and anger when I fell asleep.

I woke up later in the night my whole body was tingling with love and peace.

The room was filled with a heavy thickness of love and all my senses were heightened.

I could smell and taste this amazing sweet aroma. It smelled like orange blossoms and tasted in my mouth something like honey.

I was so encouraged and uplifted in that moment. I was full of love and joy. I knew that our Jakers was emersed in this feeling too as he is standing before our Lord continually in Heaven.

It was such a beautiful and wonderful experience.

I closed my eyes, my body tingling with the physical weight of God's love revealed to me in that moment and I knew God was ministering to me, to my broken heart in the spirit. I'm thankful He allowed me to actually feel it and know it without having to use blind faith to get through that sad night.

What is striking to me about this experience is that without the sadness of trials on earth we would never experience God in those ways that He reaches out and comforts us. I know that He doesn't always show us Himself and His tenderness physically. Mostly we have to simply believe He is with us and helping us through and in that faith we see the truth. We will see some amazing truth that we are ready to know because of the hardship we were going through, we will see that God was with us the whole way through. That is where I wonder if the most reward comes to us. When we have to have faith without the sight and the physical "feeling" of His nearness.

It's been a few day's since that wonderful time with the Lord and I've noticed a major difference in my day. God replaced my hopelessness and my faithlessness with His hope and His faith. He replaced my desperate longing for His return with His patience and His longsuffering. At least for now the day's are not so miserable. My hope is in the Lord and in Him I can sing praises that He knows what He is doing.

I keep thinking about Jake at 7 years old. So excited about life and adventure and danger.

But even this unbelievably brave Jake that wasn't afraid of anything even at the age of 3, had a really cute fear.

He used to crawl into bed with me (I was in highschool) and I would tell him that at night my old dolls came to life. I wasn't trying to scare him I thought it would be a neat thought that they lived at night but it freaked him out so bad he never got over the idea that dolls might come to life and haunt us all in our sleep.

I think he was afraid of dolls up to his 17 years.

I think about that and I want to call him really quick to laugh with him about it. So as it really hurts to realize I can't call I pray, "Lord, hug Jakers for me and tell him I cannot wait to spend every second I can with him as soon as I'm there, tell him I love him and miss him too much to live without him much longer"

I'm thankful to experience God in a way I would not intimately know Him without the pain this world brings us. But I am looking forward to eternal life with Jesus and my family and friends without all the drama.

Brutally Honest

Experiencing the shock of loosing someone so young and so dear and close to me was more desirable than the reality that hits weeks or months later.

Honestly I haven't been able to write on here in a while because I'm working through the most pain I've ever felt in my life.

We got back last night from a court hearing where Jake's killer James Menard was present in the court room along with several of his family members. To make a long story short being in the room with menard and his family brought on a whole new wave of more extrene anger and hurt and torture of grief.

It wasn't the official trial yet. It was a hearing where he asked for a bail reduction. Praise God the judge did not grant him the reduction. Which is a ridiculous thing to even ask after shooting 3 boys and killing one. My baby brother Jakey.

Are these extreme pains in life actually labor pains?

"For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. "

Romans 8:20-25

As I lay in my parents bedroom the night of the trial I cried out to the Lord.

When oh Lord will you return to rescue us from this horrible sinful world? When are you coming to get us?!

I received a vivid memory and a question for my answer in that moment.

The memory was of when I was giving birth to Oscar and he was "crowning" which is when the babies head is just starting to appear in labor the baby is on his way out.

I could see the top of his head in the mirror and it seemed like time stood still.

God asked me after this memory, "did you savor that moment?"

I thought to myself, yes absolutely I savored that moment. It was a special moment.

Oscar was entering into the world for the first time never to be in my womb again.

The Lord said to me. "You are crowning and I'm savoring the moment."

I know this may sound gross or weird to you but it was the sweetest most precious gift God could give me in my time of mourning Jake.

He was saying. I'm coming to take my children. I will be there soon. Our life in the world is our gestation period before our life in eternity with God.

It takes a baby 9 months to prepare it for life on earth. The baby is being developed to withstand a life on earth. Hearing and fingernails and eyelashes....The baby is being prepared and formed for a lifetime of maybe 70 years on earth give or take according to the number of days God has given that child.

We can call the world our womb preparing and developing us for heaven, for eternity with God.

We are being formed and prepared for an eternity everlasting with God and our gestation period is 80 years give or take depending on God's will.

So as God was telling me we are crowning now, I got really excited! I'm feeling the labor pains of the womb that is this world. It's painful but we are crowning and on our way to being born into eternity!

Anyway, I'm taking this as Christ return being very soon. 

We are all feeling the contractions and pains of labor in this life.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. We are ready.

Just Rest

I would love to be sitting on a big front porch with hot chocolate and a blanket watching this storm pass by.

There is something really exciting about storms to me because even in the midst of crashing thunder and fierce winds I always know that the storm will pass so I allow myself to enjoy it rather than fear it.

The struggles on earth seem to come just as frequently as the storms on earth. They will never cease as long as we live on earth.

Revelation 4:21, And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold the tabernacle of God is among men, and He shall dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself shall be among them, and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first  things have passed away.”

This verse is a sweet glimpse of Heaven. We can look forward to no struggles in eternity but for now we are faced with storms and struggles and pain and death. But can we imagine seeing these struggles as an opportunity to experience the Lord in a way that will enhance our understanding of Him in Heaven?

If all was well for all of our existence would we know His mercy and grace and love to the extent that we know it now in our mourning? 

This morning I attempted to open my bible to glean something from the Lord during this time when the storm is bearing down on my life. I couldn't focus in the silence. Every thought brought me back to "what is Jake doing right now? Is the shooter going to get away with killing him?" Not far behind this thought is " How will we pay for the damage the floods have done on our Nashville home? How will I take care of Oscar today when I'm hugging the toilet all day with pregnancy nausea?" 

The Lord spoke to my heart.

"Just rest"

My spirit got it immediately. I didn't need any time to digest.

The storm is raging above my head I'm drenched and weary from the elements but I knew where to go. I turned and ran to the Lord and fell in His lap. 

It may have looked like I ran to my room and fell on my bed but I knew where I was. I was before the Lord God almighty creator and redeemer, Lover of my soul. I didn't sing worship or confess sins. I didn't pray a long list of requests. I just rested in the midst of the storm in the arms of the creator.

If life was easy for me today and if I was not at the very end of myself I would not have experienced God's love. I would just have known about His Love. But God wants us to not only know His everlasting love for us, HE wants us to experience it.

When I'm in need I turn to the provider. I not only know He provides I experience His provision as my loving Father.

We are only human one time. There is no reincarnation. To experience the struggles and storms of life on earth is almost exciting like watching the storm come and pass. This too shall pass.

Heb.9:27 and when we are on the other side of the storm we will rejoice for knowing God more intimately and for knowing His mercy and what He brought us out of in His love and grace.

Toward the Center

Christ being the center of everything created and being the glue that holds everything together is the center of our very own existence. He is the center of us. Christ is in the center of me and He is the center of me. As I surrender my death for His life in me (Romans 8: ) I am releasing the power of God almighty in me. I recognize that at the center of who i am is ~ I AM.  He is I AM...I AM God, I AM love, I AM omniscient, I AM everlasting...I AM is at the center of little me.
As I recognize this I move towards the center and I notice in this process that the Lord is gradually purifying me of all that is not of Him. I have done nothing but recognize that Christ is in the center of me and I experience His blessings, His glory, His life.

This is living before the Lord. When we turn from our "natural man" the flesh and surrender to the spirit, our spirit where God dwells, it is here in the center of us that we stand before the throne, listen to the heartbeat of God and become familiar with His voice, His laugh, His will...

God within us is like a magnet. He is always drawing us toward Himself.
An intimate relationship with your spouse requires oneness emotionally and physically.
An intimate relationship with our loving creator requires a oneness emotionally surrendering to His will and physically surrendering to His life in us.

"Jesus Christ is the great magnet of your soul, but of your soul only. He will not draw the impurities and the mixtures that are mingled with it. Any such impurities prevent His full power of attraction." Jean Guyon

If you are bogged down with tons of pride or material desire, possessions or anything else, this attraction is seriously hindered by your own doing. Many christians have such a tight grip on earthly wants they make a snails pace towards the center.

Allow everything to drop:
In nature we see that if you drop a stone it will return to it's original source. It falls right back to the ground. Fire and water always seek to return to their original centers as well. Our soul also tends to fall towards it's proper center, which is God. The soul needs no other source to pull it than the weight of love.
We do not do anything but allow His life to do the work in us. I surrender to your life your will your pull Oh Lord!  God is the divine energy drawing you towards Him. When He is completely unhindered you will see more than the fruits of the spirit, you will see and live and experience I AM in you and His life will give your flesh life which will give permission to the unsearchable riches of Christ!
WOW.
I cease my will my "power" my all to you Lord that you can fully possess me.
I ask that I can totally surrender to Your divine will.
I turn within and dwell in YOUR spirit Lord.
We must remain faithful in humbly withdrawing our hearts from the world and all it's distractions and form a habit of continually returning to God who is our center.

(I've learned so much through Michael Wells and Jean Guyon.
I'm so thankful for their hearts after God and their surrendered lives and wills to the Lord.
God has revealed many truths through them.)

Fresh Wind

photo credit

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."
When I read this verse a picture comes to mind.
I see many rooms in my mind. I see closed doors. Some rooms I'm familiar with. Some I didn't even know where there. Some rooms have no light streaming in. Dark rooms with dust and even darker corners. I have no idea what is in the corners of some of these rooms in my mind.
I can see Christ standing outside a door of a particular room. He has just knocked.
If I open the door to His invitation to come into that room and join me His light will come with Him and all the corners and unknown's will be exposed. I can choose to allow Him in some rooms and maybe not all rooms. He has given me free will to allow His freeing light of truth to enter all corners and rooms in my life...in my mind. Yet I want to surrender my all to Him.
Sins in my life lurk in these rooms hiding from the light and truth and exposure of the Lord. 
Some sins have entered my life through my own doing and I've forgotten about them and they hide very well in the dark rooms with the shut doors. 
Satan likes to hide here.
He hides because if he stood in the light I would recognize him. Jesus knows where he is hiding in my life and He knocks at my doors waiting for me to open the door and let Him in. He will enter the room bringing His light, the truth and the power and the Way. He enters into me with my permission and exposes what is hiding and lurking there to devour me.
The truth sets me free. Christ is the truth.
In the mornings with this picture in mind I surrender every part of my life, my will, my day, my thoughts, my time to the Lord asking for His life in exchange for my death. I ask that He enter every room in my mind and shed His truth and light to every part of me I ask that He sweep through and open the windows and allow His light to shine.


The Lord revealed this picture to me yet tonight He has brought me to a deeper truth in this thought.


While at my friend's house today I learned a pearl of wisdom.
She said that God has revealed to her His goodness and beauty right where she is. She said she doesn't have to live on the coast of california's rugged beach cliffs or live in the valley of a beautiful mountain peak to enjoy God's beautiful creation. God tilted her head with his gentle love the other week and opened her understanding to the picture He painted for her in the sky above her head. Where ever she goes God has created a new glory right above her, minute by minute and day by day He has given her a new crown, His creation, right above her. It is a gift to her from Him. 
"His mercies are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness"  lamentations 3:22-23
He is so creative and thoughtful to give us this special gift. I'm thankful He's revealed it to her to share with us.


As I lay in bed late tonight thinking about this new truth, Dave opened our bedroom window. A fresh wind burst through sweeping over my body filling the room with a sweet aroma from an all day rain, wet earth, flowers from the flowering trees and a ring of chilly ripples.
What God spoke to my heart was this: Just as the wind did not hesitate before entering through the open window, I do not hesitate before entering into you. 
He does not wait to rescue us. He does not stall before freeing us. He loves us so much He enters into us faster than the wind can burst through an open window.  God wants to fill us with His presence and with that His blessings and goodness.
It is good to clean house, asking God to reveal all the things in your life that are not of His life. Asking God to enter every room of your mind and life. Giving Him access to every part of you and surrendering all to Him. I do not want satan to be in any part of my journey. I only want Christ's life. 
God I open the door for you to enter into me and to sit and have supper with me in every part of my life. I am yours. 
Every door belongs to you.

Heartfelt Selfishness

I've been so sick I haven't been able to write on the blog for some time.
This 9 week old baby in me is stripping me of strength and health.
I'm thankful for new life and grieving the loss of Jake's life at the same time.
I miss Jake yet he is now truly living. His death was his graduation into an eternal purposeful life.

The other day I walked to the park with Oscar. It was a pretty chilly day, not many people around. As we approached the play ground I noticed the only people there were about 8 college age guys throwing a football right by the swings.
I could hear all their conversations wether I wanted to or not.

My first observation was their self centeredness. Everything they talked about had to do with either promoting themselves, edifying their needs or making fun of someone else that wasn't like them.
I couldn't help but think of the verse 1 Corinthians 14:20 "Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature"


These guys had no understanding of the realities of life. I could clearly see their immaturity from what they said. Luke 6:45  "For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Their mouth was speaking and from it came heartfelt selfishness.


When we are young we are naturally self centered. As we mature we hopefully gain understanding that we are not the center of the universe. We gain more understanding as we grow and learn that actually Christ is the center of all and we are to surrender to His will, His life, His plan not ours. Life can take a lot of time for some to reach even this truth. 


Those guys have a lot to learn! I couldn't even begin to explain it to them if they asked me to. Only God can reveal these things. 
If I walked over there and began to explain the facts of living for God's glory they wouldn't be ready to hear it and they couldn't get it unless God revealed it to them.
I was baffled in listening to them and then more baffled at the thought that they obviously do not know their foolishness. What truths do I not know yet? What truths have I not been ready to receive yet? What foolishness in me is obvious to the Lord?
What I've learned in this is that I'm vulnerable to living out my own pride, my own wisdom, my own heartfelt selfishness. I can so easily say, I've got it from here Lord and therefore miss out on all the beautiful truths that set a person free! 


Am I making any sense? 
We can think we might know a whole lot as teenagers often will tell you or as those college guys think. "I'm here to satisfy myself" was the obvious tone of their hearts. I can easily think I know what to do in my walk with God and go on autopilot. But I'm still here on earth because I still have a lot to learn before I'm fit for eternity. I've still got a whole lot of me to shed and Christ life to surrender to before I understand anything about life.


God forgive me for being foolish. Replace me with you. I surrender my desires for your desires, my thoughts for your thoughts, my plans for your steps.

Revelation

This is an incredible teaching from Mike Wells.
I've just copied it from his recent missions journal we received in the mail.

It comforts me in reading it to think that God revealed to Jake all that he needed to know in order to be fit for eternity with Him before God took Jake from us.

Romans 7: 18-20
"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh, for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I wish, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me."

Revelation does not come through effort; it will come through life and can take years to arrive. Revelation can never be forced; it is an outgrowth of our lives in a fallen body and in a fallen world. Revelation comes in the fullness of time; therefore, time is essential, and the longer one lives, the more revelation he will receive. Many exit at an early age, having been given the revelation that is needed for a move from this reality to THE reality. Life with a small "I" is the future for life to prepare us for what Life would teach us. In the fullness of time, we will receive what we would not have received at an earlier time. There is no need to be frustrated and make silly comments like, "I wish I would have known that sooner." At a sooner time we could not have received it and would not have "known" it. This planet and our lives are not made up of random experiences. This world is the womb in which the things of God are made known to us, and just as a baby is methodically formed in the womb of the mother, the the child of God is methodically formed in the womb of the world.  God is the God of order, not of chaos; therefore everything comes in order. To say, "If only I had known this sooner" is assuming that "knowing" is what has made the change in us. Rather, it was revelation. Knowledge can come at any time, and yet revelation must come at the fullness of time as our "time" on earth prepares the way. "if only I could go back and make different decisions!" Well, if we could go back, we would be the same persons that we were back then, and we would make the same decision. However, such a statement does reveal that we have grown, and the new persons that we are today would never have made such decisions. We have mentioned before that there are journey people and destination people. As believers we need to accept that we are all on a journey and enjoy the journey. in the fullness of time, God is teaching us. We cannot process cannot be hurried, then we must accpt the way of things on the earth and rest in Him. The Holy Spirit will bring the revelation, His teaching that moves from head to heart in the fullness of time.

Was I Made for This?

As a stay at home mom I can get wrapped up in thoughts about what I should be doing in the world for God. I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not out of the home involved in some kind of ground moving ministry. What is the purpose of my day to every day life as I fumble through 13 hours of day light just trying to keep Oscar fed and the house presentable enough to live in.
Sure I think raising Oscar is important but I should be raising him AND accomplishing some sort of feed the poor feat or raising money for helping woman in India or Africa.
But as I fight against where God has me I'm fighting against a purposeful plan He is designing in me.

Somehow I suspect the plan, my ministry being designed in me is for eternity and not for my time on earth.
What I'm learning is that when I abide in the vine (john 15:5) or when I abide in Christ and allow His life to flow through me even when I'm cleaning toilets I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I don't have to search for my purpose or for something to make me significant. God is the purpose in me and He is signifiant. He is doing a great thing in me in my everyday mundane chores. He is creating a purity in me while I loose myself in my "unimportant" daily changing diapers and boiling pasta.
"It is so different when it comes to Joy in Abiding. It does not come in through our search. It is a gift by virtue of being IN as part of the very source of Joy, the True Vine." mike wells
Jesus ministry started when he was 30 years old.
For 30 years the son of God walked past the crippled man on his way to his father's workshop. He did not heal from what we know he did not preach and He did not do great wonders and miracles.
God was meeting Him in His everyday life. His everyday chores God spoke to Jesus heart and their relationship deepend. I believe my ministry will begin in eternity. God is deepening our relationship, He is working out Himself in me through me while I work at the things I think are unimportant. He is developing an awareness in me that He is I Am~ and~ i am not.
My name is I am not. His name is I AM.


In whatever I am doing because I am abiding in the vine, shouldn't I be at peace and full of joy that God chose for me this day to stay in the house all day, to clean poopy diapers, to vaccum the mudroom three times a day after Oscar's escapades and to meet Jesus in the bathroom where I pull toys, toilet paper rolls, toothbrushes and makeup out of the toilet?
Somehow I have a hard time connecting between a purposeful life and my everyday chores.


While trusting God and His plans in me I've noticed something...
It is on my knees scrubbing lipstick off the kitchen floor that Jesus is revealed. A proud heart is exposed, a broken heart is revealed, a truth is known.. It is when I clean up after everyone in the house again and again that Jesus life fills every fiber in my body and comforts me that greater things are yet to come.
It is only here with my sleeves rolled up and my shirt over my nose while picking up Marty's "accident" that I can recognize that I have nothing to offer God except His son in me. And thank you Lord that I have Jesus in me to live for me, in me, through me.
It is not I but Christ in me the hope of glory. 
My ministry, my purpose is in Christ, He's working it all out for eternity.

A Full Surrender

Losing Jake on January 1st was the most devastating blow I cannot physically survive once more. But everyday my family and I have to survive it over and over again. Jake is still not here, he was still shot and killed a few months ago and he is still not walking through the front door of my parents house after school.
We still cannot gather him in our arms and squeeze him until all the pain melts away into a physical reality of his being with us again.
I woke up this morning with Jake heavy on my heart, the memory of his death, the way he died and the finality and loss of his beautiful life. I tried to get up on my own.
I looked around my messy house and sat paralyzed with heartbreak for my Jakers, new pregnancy neasuea and hormones in full effect and somehow I felt forgotten.
Where is God? 'Where are you Lord?' Is He coming to get us or what? Do I have to live with this unfathomable heartbreak for the rest of my life? Do I have to watch my parents grieve the loss of their baby for 50 more years? 'Are you coming Lord?' Aren't we done suffering now? Not just my family but all those horrible things we know happens in this sinful world.
It is at this moment in my morning that I realize I can't sleep off the grief today or any day. I have to be a mother to Oscar. I have to be a wife to Dave.

Once again I surrender my day to Jesus. I surrender my will my strength my understanding my grief and pregnancy illness for Christ life. I exchange my death for Jesus life. I said 'LORD take this unbearable weight from me I want to miss Jake but I can't survive today like this. Live in me through me for me today.' I can only think in the moment for survival. One cannot get out of bed with that kind of pain. I didn't ask the Lord for blessings or for financial peace. I didn't ask for anything but His life... so God once again lifted the bulk of my burden this morning. I can attend to Oscar right now in this moment because of His life. I can brush my teeth get ready for the day and lift my head up enough to be a good mother and wife because of His life. I do not have the capacity to do anything but lean on Christ and allow His life to flow through me.
I'm completely resting on Jesus. This isn't how I've lived in the past in my walk with God but now I'm starting to see that a full surrender means all of christ and none of me. I give Jesus the credit today that anything was accomplished or done because I know I did not have the capacity to get out of bed let alone do anything for our family.
That must be what surrender is. Not relying on our own strength and knowledge and wisdom during just one day or just ONE moment. It's completely and fully surrendering every part of us to Jesus who already lives in us. Lord, today I exchange my death for your life. I'm still anxiously waiting the Lord's return but I'll continue to surrender in the mean time.

A Dream I Had

I'm going to share with you a dream I had not too long ago.
I had this dream about a month after Jake was shot.
I was at my parent's house on this night.
I remember while dreaming this night I heard hymns sung most the night in my sleep or in my dreams. I do not know the words to hymns but in my dreaming all the words to every hymn I heard was clear.
Then a hymn started"Oh Lord thy God, when I in awesome wonder, consider all the world thy hands have made...." It is at this part in the song that Jake walked out to me with a half smile on his face and his arms open for a hug as he walked towards me.
He embraced me and held me strong and tight. as he hugged me I started to weep uncontrollably. My body shook from weeping and still he held me steadfast and strong. I remember the strength of his arms around me was comforting. I began to pull on his back with my hands. I kept grabbing his back and pulling the skin as hard as I could making sure he was physical and really there with me all the while he held me and still I wept. I pulled on him until he spoke a bible verse and it calmed me completely. I remember that his voice was not as a 17 year old immature voice but a wise deep and comforting voice, a voice of knowledge.
He spoke to me a bible verse and it immediately encouraged and calmed me but I cannot remember the verse! I've prayed that God would remind me of this verse but I still do not know. It was something that was for that moment and not for now.

Only His Death

October 29, 2009 by Mike Wells

“For Christ also died for sins once for all, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit.” I Peter 3:18

I begin every morning the same way, “Thank You, Jesus, that You are my separation from God, and therefore I can never be separated from Him.” It is a beautiful revelation. His mercies are new every morning! Every morning! Christ was my separation and that settles it all. I have often heard it taught that it should have been me hanging on the cross and not Jesus, but here is the problem. Let us assume that it was me hanging on the cross for my own sins; how can a sinner bear his own sin? Had it been me and not Him, nothing would have happened to elevate my sins. Thousands were crucified for their sins; Jesus had a thief on both sides. One was invited into paradise by Jesus, but not because the thief suffered for his own sins. The thief’s death on a cross did nothing to redeem him, but rather it was his recognition of Christ that redeemed him. My point is that if Christ had not taken my sins on the cross, then going to the cross myself would have accomplished nothing. In this regard it was a substitution, for if I refuse the substitution, I might die on a cross but I could never be a sacrifice for my sins; I would have a just death for my sins. What Jesus did was wonderful. Being sinless and blameless, He was actually able to take my sin out of me, have it placed on Him, and then become a substitution that redeemed me and set me free. His was the only death that could have accomplished such a feat, and He did it for all men. This is not religious dogma but faith in the Son of God who has loved me and was delivered up for me. Today we say, “Thank You that because of the cross, that because You were my separation from God, that because You took my sins upon yourself, I have no obstacle with God. I will be heard today, helped today, shown compassion today, and You will treat me as David, a man after Your heart that will do all of Your will. All because of You, Jesus!” Amen, what a confidence.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit and Me

When I read that title I kinda feel like that geek in high school that puts their arms around the "cool" crowd and sticks their head in the middle and says 'Here I am'.
But with the Father and the Son I didn't have to tag along and put myself in the middle of the three. God fashioned me to be ONE with His Son, the very apple of God's eye. God the Son and the Holy Spirit are the main factors of all of existence and eternity, they are more than the most amazing omniscient powerful source we can fathom and when we walk around in God's royal robes of righteousness that we don't deserve...we won't just stick our heads in the middle of the entities of all eternity and look cool, we'll be one with the entities as family, bride and heirs. WE are more than cool!  God invited us to be His Son's bride and Christ our groom is so intimately in love with us He died for us to be with Him... (there will be more in Heaven than just the bride of christ, there will be "creatures and principalities and powers and mights" etc. so we are the royalty over all that in Christ)

Can you imagine the love the Father has for His Son?
I cannot comprehend it but I can imagine the love I have for my son Oscar.
When God created us He fashioned a bride for His Son.
He said "let us make man in our image." He and the Son worked together. They connected and bonded in making their most treasured creation in their intimate relationship. God and Son created the Son's bride.

In my adoration and love for my son Oscar I can get jealous and carried away when I think of a day he brings home his future bride.
He won't look to me anymore as the center of his universe. I will no longer be the one to nurture him through pain and heartbreak.
He will have the love of his life and he will no longer need to give me his full attention.

When God created us as His children and His Son's bride He knew what it would mean.

He created a bride for His Son and called us children even though He knew we would betray His Son.  

He knew we would sin against the holiness of His Son. It doesn't feel good when someone hurts our children. It hurts even more when we love the person that hurt us.


Now can you imagine the love the Father has for us?

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31
God made us to cleave to His Son. We are one with Christ and He prepares a place for us and we leave and cleave to Him alone. 
Jesus left His Heavenly home, the comforts of His Father's house and came to earth to be with His bride.
He died for us, rose from the dead, forgave us for all sins ever committed by His bride and now is one flesh with us. He left His Father's house and cleaves to us. The intimacy between bride and groom would mirror the intimacy between father and son.

A bond unmeasurable.

Not only does the Father love us for His Son, despite our sin and ugliness, He loves us because of who He made us. He loves each and everyone of us individually uncomprehendably perfectly for just who we are.
God says to us "I've always loved you."
We bring nothing to offer Him except His Son in us. 
God sees His Son in us and Jesus sees His Father in us. We are the result of their love for each other and Christ death on the cross is the result of their love for us.