Brutally Honest

Experiencing the shock of loosing someone so young and so dear and close to me was more desirable than the reality that hits weeks or months later.

Honestly I haven't been able to write on here in a while because I'm working through the most pain I've ever felt in my life.

We got back last night from a court hearing where Jake's killer James Menard was present in the court room along with several of his family members. To make a long story short being in the room with menard and his family brought on a whole new wave of more extrene anger and hurt and torture of grief.

It wasn't the official trial yet. It was a hearing where he asked for a bail reduction. Praise God the judge did not grant him the reduction. Which is a ridiculous thing to even ask after shooting 3 boys and killing one. My baby brother Jakey.

Are these extreme pains in life actually labor pains?

"For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. "

Romans 8:20-25

As I lay in my parents bedroom the night of the trial I cried out to the Lord.

When oh Lord will you return to rescue us from this horrible sinful world? When are you coming to get us?!

I received a vivid memory and a question for my answer in that moment.

The memory was of when I was giving birth to Oscar and he was "crowning" which is when the babies head is just starting to appear in labor the baby is on his way out.

I could see the top of his head in the mirror and it seemed like time stood still.

God asked me after this memory, "did you savor that moment?"

I thought to myself, yes absolutely I savored that moment. It was a special moment.

Oscar was entering into the world for the first time never to be in my womb again.

The Lord said to me. "You are crowning and I'm savoring the moment."

I know this may sound gross or weird to you but it was the sweetest most precious gift God could give me in my time of mourning Jake.

He was saying. I'm coming to take my children. I will be there soon. Our life in the world is our gestation period before our life in eternity with God.

It takes a baby 9 months to prepare it for life on earth. The baby is being developed to withstand a life on earth. Hearing and fingernails and eyelashes....The baby is being prepared and formed for a lifetime of maybe 70 years on earth give or take according to the number of days God has given that child.

We can call the world our womb preparing and developing us for heaven, for eternity with God.

We are being formed and prepared for an eternity everlasting with God and our gestation period is 80 years give or take depending on God's will.

So as God was telling me we are crowning now, I got really excited! I'm feeling the labor pains of the womb that is this world. It's painful but we are crowning and on our way to being born into eternity!

Anyway, I'm taking this as Christ return being very soon. 

We are all feeling the contractions and pains of labor in this life.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. We are ready.