God spoke to my heart in a way I could not have received if the hopes and dreams of my wishful
younger self had come true only a few years ago.
You would have to read the whole chapter yourself to grasp the wisdom in Jesus parable but I will quote the place in which God opened my understanding.
All my life growing up I had an affection to sing. My parents bought me endless lessons for years to cultivate the passion in me. Talk about motivated! I devoted almost everyday to practicing and tuning my vocal chords. I thought that since a few times I sounded decent God would surely bless my efforts. This must have been my calling for life! I was convinced of my future. My appearance on stage for a few "important" events only confirmed my suspicions. I was training to be famous!
Of course it wasn't going to be easy I thought, I'll get rejected a thousand times and not give up'.
So I pushed on and 'scored' a few victories along the way. But somehow I knew it was all in my effort and that God was not doing the work in me and not receiving the glory.
I found myself arguing with God saying "Lord, bless my voice, this is our dream for me."
I hate writing the ugly truth but that is truly where I was. I loved the Lord AND I had a plan for my life.
Surely my plan would eventually be God's plan if it wasn't already.
As I sang in churches wherever I lived and trained for the national anthem in stadiums God started to slowly strip away my identity. He didn't do it all at once yet the painful stripping began.
As I look back I can identify that the Lord in His love for me allowed me to try on my own and in my own strength for as long as was necessary.
By the time Dave and I moved to Nashville I had little by little surrendered my will for God's will. This called for regular and painful doses of releasing my desire to sing.
When I started to become successful in modeling and had a few famous country music singers tell me they'd help me with my singing career, I began to take grip of my dreams of singing again.
This time I was apparently strong enough to handle the final blow.
Believe me when I tell you as some people receive a gifted beautiful voice, I quickly received the gift of an out of tune voice!
God actually took the ability to hear pitch right out of me.
I could no longer sing in tune.
It took me a while to get over the blow to my system that I am a nobody with a nobody voice.
I curled up on the Lord's lap many nights crying myself to sleep now knowing that I did not have the ability to be anything important.
That is when God started to do the most change in me. I blossomed and grew like a weed under the understanding that I really was not anyone special. Only God in me is special. He is the one with the talent and the identity and the plan.
As I received this in my heart and surrendered my will for His will in me, He spoke to me and said a beautiful thing.
"I am your biggest fan"
God is the one with the unfathomable talent and yet He tells ME little nobody ME that He is MY biggest fan?! What a complete amazing Father we have!
I went for a walk with the Lord in a wooded park where He told me something I'll never forget.
I said 'Lord, tell me something about yourself.'
He said, "I AM".
those two words struck my spirit like a semi truck!
I said" you ARE I AM aren't you!
I AM good, I AM mercy, I AM forgiveness, I AM beautiful, I AM worthy, I AM talent, I AM love.......this went on and on and I laughed and teared up and was awed by His wonderfulness.
God is everything and He lives in me therefore i am everything (in Him).
God is beautiful therefore i am beautiful because He is beautiful in me.
God is talented therefore i am talented because He is in me!
DO you get it?
He is I AM, therefore i am.
My identity is not in my voice or my importance in singing and being known, God is important and my identity is in Him therefore i am important!
HAHA I don't need a voice of my own I have HIS.
What does this have to do with Matthew chapter 13 you might be asking?
Well, I will fill you in on what He spoke to me about Matt. 13 this morning on tomorrow's post.
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