A Full Surrender

Losing Jake on January 1st was the most devastating blow I cannot physically survive once more. But everyday my family and I have to survive it over and over again. Jake is still not here, he was still shot and killed a few months ago and he is still not walking through the front door of my parents house after school.
We still cannot gather him in our arms and squeeze him until all the pain melts away into a physical reality of his being with us again.
I woke up this morning with Jake heavy on my heart, the memory of his death, the way he died and the finality and loss of his beautiful life. I tried to get up on my own.
I looked around my messy house and sat paralyzed with heartbreak for my Jakers, new pregnancy neasuea and hormones in full effect and somehow I felt forgotten.
Where is God? 'Where are you Lord?' Is He coming to get us or what? Do I have to live with this unfathomable heartbreak for the rest of my life? Do I have to watch my parents grieve the loss of their baby for 50 more years? 'Are you coming Lord?' Aren't we done suffering now? Not just my family but all those horrible things we know happens in this sinful world.
It is at this moment in my morning that I realize I can't sleep off the grief today or any day. I have to be a mother to Oscar. I have to be a wife to Dave.

Once again I surrender my day to Jesus. I surrender my will my strength my understanding my grief and pregnancy illness for Christ life. I exchange my death for Jesus life. I said 'LORD take this unbearable weight from me I want to miss Jake but I can't survive today like this. Live in me through me for me today.' I can only think in the moment for survival. One cannot get out of bed with that kind of pain. I didn't ask the Lord for blessings or for financial peace. I didn't ask for anything but His life... so God once again lifted the bulk of my burden this morning. I can attend to Oscar right now in this moment because of His life. I can brush my teeth get ready for the day and lift my head up enough to be a good mother and wife because of His life. I do not have the capacity to do anything but lean on Christ and allow His life to flow through me.
I'm completely resting on Jesus. This isn't how I've lived in the past in my walk with God but now I'm starting to see that a full surrender means all of christ and none of me. I give Jesus the credit today that anything was accomplished or done because I know I did not have the capacity to get out of bed let alone do anything for our family.
That must be what surrender is. Not relying on our own strength and knowledge and wisdom during just one day or just ONE moment. It's completely and fully surrendering every part of us to Jesus who already lives in us. Lord, today I exchange my death for your life. I'm still anxiously waiting the Lord's return but I'll continue to surrender in the mean time.