Monday, August 2, 2010

Just Listening

 Dave getting some quiet time with the Lord.
My understanding of prayer is changing.
There is nothing I can do to change what has already happened. There is no begging God night and day to bring Jake back or change what happened Jan. 1st.
I have been to the depths of the lowest pit I can go in my life in this process of mourning an unimaginable loss. It is true that the pain is immense but I do not want my pain to become my idol.

My routine has been, wake up, attend to Oscar but the "agony ball" remains in my stomach.  An ache that won't go away. The ball creeps up to my throat and I could loose it and cry again without control for the next 10 minutes. I push it back down and cry out in my heart "Lord! help me make it through the morning."
Throughout the morning I do not have the capacity to pray for anything else or say anything at all to God but I need to feel our constant connection. I know my spirit stays connected with the Father but I need to be fully aware of our oneness.
I can't say anything at all, I don't ask Him anything but throughout the first half of the day I moan knowing He knows what it means and I listen for the rest of the day.
I'm not hearing much these days for whatever reason, I trust the Lord with His silence but I am still listening. This has been a time of listening and not speaking. Even if I wanted to speak I have nothing to say in this time of pain.
I know that in Him I live and move and exist. I am in Christ and He is in me. We are one. In a time when I cannot get the words out, i don't need to. God and I are one.
I have been forced this year to realize that I'm not changing the will of God through prayer.
If Jake were in a hospital from this gun shot I know I would be in the "throne room" continually pleading that God heal him. But I have no choice in this case to pray for Jake's healing at all. He's already gone. In this horrific pain I recognize I don't pray to change the will of God, I pray to come to a surrender, a peace with the will of God.
I read a revealing truth by Mike Wells:

We must remember that God is permitting what He could prevent for the revelation of hearts. We will not change an evil person’s choice. God permits man to have choice for the revelation of hearts. In the final judgment, a heart will be judged as it was revealed to be in this life. In prayer, we find peace with what God does, allows, prevents, and denies. Finally, prayer permits us to participate in the work of God. For example, I am awakened in the middle of the night and told to pray for someone. It is not as though if I turn over and go back to sleep, God will not act; it is merely a matter of my missing the blessing of participating in what God is going to do. Later, when I hear that the person was under attack, in a near accident, or had family struggles, I rejoice in the awareness that God came at the exact moment to deliver, and I am blessed that He allowed me to participate in what He was doing. In fact, any time we experience answered prayer we can boast in the Lord that He enlightened us to pray for what He was going to do; He allowed us to take part in His kingdom doings. In short, prayer is very easy and enjoyable. In the recognition of His presence within and without, we rest, participate, and enjoy our life in Him; we want nothing but His will, which is the overriding affirmation of our prayer life. Have we not all had our fill of our own will, since we have never enjoyed it?

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. Although my fear and pain do not compare to you and your families...they are real to me and my family. God is using you to help us through our times of need. Especially this time of SILENCE. Father, help me in my times of doubt and fear.

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