Wow! I Didn't know Before.

last summer at the cabin

I have to say, being a Christian actually made me more naive to the intense pain of loosing a loved one.

I thought that when a loved one dies but goes home to be with the Lord, it would be painful but more relieving that they would now be in eternity with God. I didn't know the truth before. Jakey is no doubt with the Lord in glory now, but we are left here to daily, hourly, surrender the thousands of broken pieces of our demolished soul. I will forever understand this as others around me loose people in their lives. 

I grappled for air as I sobbed these words out to Dave 3 months ago on a short car drive to get me away from the "depressing cave" as I called our home.

"I couldn't be any deeper in pain than I am now. I can't grasp onto the finality of Jake's death. I'm burnt out emotionally, physically exhausted. I'm vomiting anywhere between 12-20 times a day because of our newly conceived baby, DONE with living in a creaky, leaking, drafty, tiny old duplex, DONE with paying off debts, DONE seeing our poor 2 year old pretending to cry and vomit all day because that is what he sees mommy doing" 

We positively lost Jake. Not just until we learned something, and not just for a period of painful mourning, but positively.. yes, Jake was not coming back. We had the hope to some day be with him again when we died too. This was not comforting to me at all and survival mode was becoming ~ just feed oscar today mode.

After the reality hits and the fog clears, after the shock wears off, you are left with a thousand broken pieces. I was in colorado 2,000. miles away from the rest of my grieving family. Holding onto any moment in the day was impossible with a broken shredded heart and memories of Jake following me into every room.

Oscar yanked the corner of my shirt for me to pick him up as I crawled from living room to kitchen when the nausea wouldn't let up and I had to make oscar something to eat.

I looked out the kitchen window and the wave of grief that is inescapable rushed over me like a crashing wave. I stood there and sobbed uncontrolably.

Oscar seeing me in this state ran to a vase of roses in the living room (Dave brought home for me) and tore off the head of one rose and brought it to me. He handed it to me and said "momma".

My precious Oscar, I scooped him up, he normally squirms when I want to cuddle, but this time he put his head on my shoulder for a long time.

Well, God said that He gives us a peace that passes understanding.

Even as my body shook with grief and anger in the kitchen that day, I can say I had a peace. A peace that passes all understanding comes from the Lord  yet He didn't say here's my peace and here is a blind fold for you to ignore the truth.

The truth for me that day in the kitchen was, 'I trust you Lord, but this murder, Jake's death is so painful, I can't get through a single hour of my day with a sane mind.'

the day in the car getting away from "the cave" dave said to me.

"there's no pretending on this one."

Instead of the word pretend, I heard ignore.

I've realized in what seems to me the worst of timing that God was awakening me to something about myself.

I ignored a lot of things in my life that were either hard to face or challenging to understand or that was painful. In this time of mourning Jake's death I couldn't ignore any part of it. The pain, the confusion, he being so young, the torture of anger at the shooter, the tearing of my heart each day is all in my face all very much un-ignorable and with the added bonus of being severely pregnant-sick and a house that was literally falling apart around us I couldn't ignore this one.

I remember holding my stomach sort of protecting the baby from my grief while Oscar napped and walking from kitchen to bedroom back to kitchen repeating Jakey, Jakey, Jakey, and the Lord spoke to me. He said "now say this, I trust you."

Now as the grief strikes me down during the day, I just say "I trust you Lord, I trust you Lord," and that is all I can get out right now.

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul