Heartfelt Selfishness

I've been so sick I haven't been able to write on the blog for some time.
This 9 week old baby in me is stripping me of strength and health.
I'm thankful for new life and grieving the loss of Jake's life at the same time.
I miss Jake yet he is now truly living. His death was his graduation into an eternal purposeful life.

The other day I walked to the park with Oscar. It was a pretty chilly day, not many people around. As we approached the play ground I noticed the only people there were about 8 college age guys throwing a football right by the swings.
I could hear all their conversations wether I wanted to or not.

My first observation was their self centeredness. Everything they talked about had to do with either promoting themselves, edifying their needs or making fun of someone else that wasn't like them.
I couldn't help but think of the verse 1 Corinthians 14:20 "Brethren, do not be children in understanding; however, in malice be babes, but in understanding be mature"


These guys had no understanding of the realities of life. I could clearly see their immaturity from what they said. Luke 6:45  "For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." Their mouth was speaking and from it came heartfelt selfishness.


When we are young we are naturally self centered. As we mature we hopefully gain understanding that we are not the center of the universe. We gain more understanding as we grow and learn that actually Christ is the center of all and we are to surrender to His will, His life, His plan not ours. Life can take a lot of time for some to reach even this truth. 


Those guys have a lot to learn! I couldn't even begin to explain it to them if they asked me to. Only God can reveal these things. 
If I walked over there and began to explain the facts of living for God's glory they wouldn't be ready to hear it and they couldn't get it unless God revealed it to them.
I was baffled in listening to them and then more baffled at the thought that they obviously do not know their foolishness. What truths do I not know yet? What truths have I not been ready to receive yet? What foolishness in me is obvious to the Lord?
What I've learned in this is that I'm vulnerable to living out my own pride, my own wisdom, my own heartfelt selfishness. I can so easily say, I've got it from here Lord and therefore miss out on all the beautiful truths that set a person free! 


Am I making any sense? 
We can think we might know a whole lot as teenagers often will tell you or as those college guys think. "I'm here to satisfy myself" was the obvious tone of their hearts. I can easily think I know what to do in my walk with God and go on autopilot. But I'm still here on earth because I still have a lot to learn before I'm fit for eternity. I've still got a whole lot of me to shed and Christ life to surrender to before I understand anything about life.


God forgive me for being foolish. Replace me with you. I surrender my desires for your desires, my thoughts for your thoughts, my plans for your steps.

Incredible Insight

Wow, I had to post this comment from Dave.

He commented below the post: I'm Here to Loose

Dave W. said...

I totally agree that the longer we live, the more we become aware of truly how powerless we are.

There's a fairy tale solution that we want to believe about ourselves, that, eventually we get the power to solve all these problems. And we can feel good about our efforts and contribution to the sorrows of fellow man.

The problem is we see ourselves as part of the solution, instead of keeping our eyes on the only One who has the solution. Jesus is the solution whether we see it or not. He has the power to do all that we want him to do, even though we don't see results the way we want.

We will never be the solution.

However, I don't think we need to find that to be depressing, but a maturing and relieving thought. We can stop working and start resting in Him.

It's the strange mystery that at that point in our journey, when we remove ourselves from the equation, THEN Jesus begins working some incredible things in and through us! It's at a point where you no longer care that you're the hands He chose, that He starts to use yours.

March 25, 2010 12:30 PM 

I'm Here to Loose

Matthew 7:13-14

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Do you ever notice how the longer you live on earth the more aware you are of the pain? 

It's like, I'm thankful Lord for the beautiful earth you made but how can I enjoy it when sin smothers it in darkness. I know our journey on earth is to loose ourselves our "righteousness, our glory, our kingdom our pride our significance" because we really have none of this without Christ's life in us, but the journey to find this out isn't a pleasant one.

When I ask for Christ to be revealed in my life more and more, I've noticed the path get smaller and smaller forcing me to recognize I don't have the power to help myself, or the power or talent or anything to even contribute. It's all Christ's strength, significance, authority, life, in me that gets us home. There is no life without death first. The life we really want calls for us to loose our life first. Just as a seed has to die in order to release life giving enzymes to create the tree inside it, I too have to die to myself, to my own understanding and desires and will to release Jesus in me to give me life to bear fruit and live fully in Him.

When I look back on my journey with God I see myself standing at the "narrow gate" the moment I surrendered my life to Christ. It is here that I left my will, my life, my desires for His because those 

things will not fit on this path. As time passes my desire is to continue to follow so I  shed the things I thought were important for survival. Nothing fits on the path but Jesus and me. 

I continually shed the things of this world, and surrender my will for His.

Now that  I have a free hand Jesus grasps it and continues to lead me through. 

The path that I call life on earth starts to get dark and I'm thankful He has my hand.   

There comes a time on this journey when I'm faced with trouble in marriage or financial burdens or illness. It is here that I no longer have anything physical to shed. I'm now crouching my way along, 

there is nothing left to drop except what I'm carrying inside. I'm on my knees, I have no strength of my own.

It is at this point that I die to myself and shed my pride. Lord I cannot go on with the weight in my soul of pride and selfishness, I cannot survive without your life in me, your strength in my marriage, your 

wisdom and grace in my financial burdens and your healing in my illness. I surrender my death, my 

sinful dieing self, for your life in me. 

There is a lot of baggage of sin in my flesh so this journey takes as long as it takes to dump it and

realize it's all about His life, His will, His love and goodness not mine. I have nothing.

I notice the path seems to get tighter and narrower the longer I'm on it and yet the more I follow Jesus the more the light shinning from Jesus glory reflects off me.

I'm pressed in with nowhere to look but at Christ and I see my future in Him.

I have no glory, I have no wealth, I have no talent, I have no purpose, I have no plan, I have no hope, I have no sin....He took all of it and replaced it with Him.

In Him I am royalty, I am an heir and co-ruler with Christ. I am powerful with the power of all mighty 

God, I am cherished and loved, I am all of these things because of Christ's life in me the hope of glory!

I'm looking forward to being fully surrendered, knowing I have nothing to offer so we can finish the 

long narrow gate called life on earth and enter our final destination! His kingdom where He has called me daughter.

"God works in us, Christ moved into us and is our life, and the Holy Spirit makes the things of God and Jesus not only reasonable but also doable in His power." ~ mike wells

Focus Shifted

colossians 1:27
To them God has chosen to make known among the gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

I remember a few years back when I lived in Nashville I was driving home from a hard long day of work.
My thoughts were on our financial troubles and I couldn't get past the fact that no matter how hard Dave and I worked we would still be in debt for many years even at our aggressive pace.
I turned to the Lord in my despair. Soon into my prayer while driving a song I had not heard in years played in my mind.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.
As soon as I turned my eyes from the trouble onto Jesus the trouble disappeared.
I no longer saw the endless hours of work it would take to crawl out of the bondage of debt or the opportunities lost. I saw only Jesus.
The shocking thing is that Christ in all His glory moved inside of me. He did not shed any power or glory in the process. The same God that created, the great I AM, stepped into my flesh without stripping any of His power to be with me.
I am already full in Christ.
"You cannot put water into a full cup."-wells
I am already filled with the fullness of God.
(Ephesians 3:19)
God has a plan in my daily walk with Him. He has a plan even though I'm feeling the bondage of my debt He is working in me, through me and with that debt.
The peace that comes with releasing my will and knowledge of right and wrong to the Lord is all consuming.
I didn't know what He was doing in our debt but I trusted Him with it and I abandoned worrying about it. I kept my eyes on Jesus.
I'm reminded of this revelation as I am now faced with Jake's upcoming trial.
It's hard enough to wake up and realize all over again that Jakey is not getting ready for school in that moment....or that my parents are now alone in their home to a brand new silence they've never experienced in their home.
I once again give it to God and turn my gaze upon the one that loves me as far as the east is from the west. I cannot physically cope with the thought of Jake being shot and falling to the ground without me there to comfort him to catch him to tell him I love him more than life to be with him as he entered eternity...I have a hard time grasping this on my own but when I turn the eyes of my heart to Jesus I see all the beautiful truth.
One truth I see when looking into Jesus instead of my grief is to see that God surrounded Jake in His unfathomable love before Jake died. Jake's last words were "I love you"
The story behind that is for another post for now we can rest in that God was with him, which is better than me being there, God loves him more than I do.
I can also see the truth that God numbered Jake's days since before he was born.
and another truth is that Jake is in uncomprehendable glory experiencing the riches and glory of God in ways my mind cannot conceive.
When I look at Jesus I see that a silent home doesn't mean an empty home. God fills my parents home with His presence and He takes care of them and their hearts needs.
....when I turn my eyes upon Jesus the things of earth and my earthly understanding grow strangely dim in the light of His amazingness. Then we can see the truth.

Are You Captive to Something?

I'm working on writing a post that is important to me, it's taking longer than I expected. In the mean time I wanted to share this incredible truth below from a God fearing man that Dave and I have learned so much from.

"We look at our Red Sea and wonder how WE will part it to obey and go forward. In reality, we step into it and discover that HE is the one that parts it, but only so far as needed for us to place one foot at a time in it. "

October 29, 2009 by Mike Wells 

“Therefore it says, When He ascended on High, He led captive a host of captives, and He gave gifts to men” (Ephesians 4:8).

So many of us, at some time in our Christian lives, believe ourselves to be enslaved to something. It is either a returning habit or a new one, but the slavery seems very real. We have said it before but God cannot, as a shepherd, lead someone that is sitting. We must move to be led, and that means that we must move into a truth to discover the reality of the truth. He has taken captive everything that could have held the believer captive. We are free! Growth for Christians does not comprise a series of efforts to make us free but a series of revelations that make known our freedom. We look at our Red Sea and wonder how WE will part it to obey and go forward. In reality, we step into it and discover that HE is the one that parts it, but only so far as needed for us to place one foot at a time in it. That is the life of faith. It is a lie that we are enslaved or captive to anything but Christ. However, the voice of sin, Satan, the world, and flesh are so loud that sometimes we sit in the chair and bemoan a condition that we do not even have. The glory of God is in choice, and there are none freer to make a choice than the believer. I have counseled people in a variety of situations, among which are several prisons, orphanages, alcohol and drug treatment centers, and with couples in troubled marriages. I have given them information and witnessed some miracles, but it was not the information that ever set the people free; it was their choice to act on the information and to walk in the freedom Christ had already given them. The one dispensing information can never take the credit for a changed life; it was simply that the believer chose to walk in a freedom that was given by Him. I am happy that being obsessed with Betty long before she knew it, that upon her discovery of my love, she chose me. I chose her first, but she responded by choosing me. I am happy that she was not forced to marry me but responded to my choice with her choice. God has chosen you, He chose to set you free, and now you will thrill Him by choosing to walk in it. It is a hard pill to swallow, but if you can choose not to go shopping naked, you can certainly as a believer choose not to walk in what you believe to be a behavior to which you are held captive. Admit where you are so you can leave where you are. Admit that you are choosing to stay in your state and let God work with your honesty.